Shards of a Heart
by thechosenswan
Summary: After Regina broke up with Emma, Emma fell into a hole of self-destruction. After attempting to take her own life, everyone attempts to help Emma heal, including Regina. Their ended romance slowly resurrects as they both deal with shadows of their past and current demons. Slow burn Swan Queen
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first SwanQueen fic, I hope you like it! It will be multi-chapter, I don't know how many yet but I'll see where it goes. I know that other people have written similar things, but I promise I'm not copying any of them. This just came to me and I had to write it down! Its angsty, but some things need to be out there. Sorry if it's too much. **

**WARNING: Mentions of attempted suicide, alcoholism and self-harm. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own OUAT or any of its characters.**

Chapter 1

Storybrooke's clock tower finally chimed midnight. Most people were at home, as it was bitterly cold outside–a typical January. One person however, looked up at the clock through bleary and alcohol-hazed eyes. "Another day," they muttered, before staggering off into the night.

* * *

Snow kept calling and calling. Emma had about fifteen missed calls but clearly wasn't going to pick up any time soon. "Damn," she muttered, throwing her phone down on the table and picking up her coffee cup with an annoyed look.

David looked up from his newspaper. "Snow," he said gently, taking her hand, "She will come back. She always does. She's just…" he struggled to find the right word. "Grieving." It wasn't completely accurate, but it was close enough.

Snow sighed. "I know," she said sadly, "I just wish she wouldn't do this all the time. It's been a month, David. When is she going to stop? She's been given time. Even Henry is being affected now. He misses the real Emma. We can't let this continue."

Her words sounded harsh, but in her eyes there were unshed tears mixed with desperation and sadness. She just wanted her daughter back, and whomever this person was who had been around for the past month, well that wasn't her.

Snow opened her mouth to speak again but was interrupted from voicing any further thoughts by a sound at the door.

Emma stumbled into the apartment. After watching the clock chime midnight she'd lost track of time. She'd been doing that a lot lately, and frankly most of the time she didn't even know what day it was. All she knew was that another day passed, another day full of despair and sadness.

Although Emma was too drunk to know what time it was, she did know that Snow wouldn't be happy with her. Neither Snow nor David had been pleased with her behaviour recently. They tried to talk about it, but Emma just shoved them away. She didn't need their sympathy. They just looked at her with pity in their eyes, which made everything hurt a million times worse.

Emma had spent most nights during the last month getting colossally drunk. She knew it was stupid, but it was the only thing that briefly made her forget the pain. When it stopped being effective, she continued anyway. It wasn't like she had anything else to do.

David had taken over temporarily as Sheriff to give her some space. Most days Emma spent in bed with only her own pain to accompany her. Other days she sat by the beach, staring into oblivion. It was getting ridiculous, she knew, but she couldn't free herself from the crushing pain that constantly tore at her heart.

"Sn-Snow, Momm" slurred Emma, noticing her parents but clearly intoxicated. One of her heeled boots was missing a heel, and her jeans were torn in several places; it looked like she'd been crawling up the street for most of the night. Her top hung limply around her now too thin frame. She attempted to walk towards them, but made a dangerous wobble.

Snow heard the door open and Emma's voice, and immediately rushed over to help her, as she looked like she was about to fall over.

"Emma," she breathed, tears beginning to well up seeing her daughter like this, yet again.

She sighed. Her daughter had been like this for a while now, but every attempt she made to reach out, every effort to try and stop Emma crumbling into nothing had been in vain.

She'd driven her to Dr Hopper's at every opportunity, but all that seemed to come of that was Emma looking stony yet sad at the same time and not saying anything. She'd tried talking to Emma herself, as had David, but every time they tried Emma either shut down their conversation or burst into tears.

Snow might be able to bear many things, but seeing her daughter self-destruct was not one of them. She called for David and they helped Emma into bed. After they left her room they had a talk about her in the kitchen.

"David, I'm-I'm so worried. We're not doing enough to help her. She can't continue on like this." Snow had a tremor in her voice, and it sounded like she was close to tears.

David held his wife in his arms. "We've done everything we can. We just have to hope that she comes round eventually. And try not to let her get so drunk". David frowned. The bartenders at the Rabbit Hole were far too liberal with the drink supplies. He would have to have a word with them tomorrow.

Snow shook in his grasp, tears finally falling down her face. They stayed like that for about an hour, just holding each other and praying for their daughter to return from the abyss of pain and sadness she was currently in.

Eventually, David let go of Snow and wiped the tears away from her cheeks. "Let's just…go to bed," he said wearily. "In the morning, I'm sure things will seem clearer." He didn't sound confident, but Snow decided this time to believe him. She nodded. "Ok. But I want to check up on her before we go to bed."

David nodded in agreement and the two went to Emma's room. On opening the door, however, they found Emma sprawled unconscious on the bed, with a bottle of pills in her limp hand that looked terrifyingly empty. Snow's scream echoed over the apartment and threatened to burst David's eardrums, as the gut-wrenching realisation at what their daughter was trying to do hit her and David head on.

* * *

The doors to the hospital burst open with terrifying force as Snow and David all but sprinted in, David holding Emma in his arms.

"WHALE!" Snow screamed. After a few moments, the man himself came bursting out of a nearby room, clearly in a panic at the person who was yelling his name at this time of night.

When he caught sight of the pair of them he frowned, but then he noticed Emma. He came rushing towards them. David shoved him the empty bottle of pills. "She took I-don't-know-how-many of these, along with a severe amount of alcohol. Help her, please." The desperation in his voice was evident.

Whale yelled over his shoulder for people and other things that were lost on the stricken parents, just wanting their daughter to wake up.

Soon enough Emma was removed from David's arms and rushed somewhere else in the hospital on a gurney. A kindly looking nurse came up to Snow and David and offered them tea, but told them they had to wait; there was nothing else they could do at this point.

After a few minutes of silence, in which Snow and David just sat, unbelieving and hoping their daughter was going to be ok, David spoke up.

"Snow…I think–I think we need to let Henry know." David fidgeted uncomfortably. That meant calling the person who was technically responsible for all this, and putting Henry under a lot of stress. He didn't want to do it, but he felt that he should.

"She's his mother," he continued, before Snow could interject. "He'd want to know. And if…the worst happens, he'd want to be here. We have to." He held Snow's hand as tears streamed down his face.

Snow nodded meekly, knowing it was the right thing to do. "Ok," she said, "but I may not be able to control my actions if _she_ comes." David sighed and got his phone out, knowing that what he was about to do would upset two further people that night.

* * *

Regina was awoken by the shrill sound of her phone going off. Groggy and annoyed, she sat up and reached for it, brows furrowing in confusion when she saw the caller ID.

"David?" she answered, confusion and annoyance in equal measure in her tone. "Regina," came the reply, and her heart beat frantically as she heard his shaky and broken tone.

"It's Emma."


	2. Chapter 2

**The response to this has been amazing, thank you all so much! I will be without internet for a week *sigh* but I promise I will post the next chapter immediately after I get back.**

**This chapter is more of an emotional response from everyone about Emma. We'll get into the flashbacks and stuff soon to show how it all got here. **

**Warning: Mentions of attempted suicide and self-harm.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own OUAT or any of its characters.**

Chapter 2

The commotion in the hospital was apparent. Even though it was very early in the morning, everyone was rushing around like they'd had ten cups of coffee in the last hour. Snow and David were still sat waiting. They were shaken and exhausted, but they never stopped hoping.

They'd tried to convince themselves that it wasn't happening. They'd tried to believe that they were in some sort of horrific nightmare. But they weren't waking up. This was real. It was happening.

They'd sat in the hospital for what had been hours, Snow's head resting on David's shoulder, both of them silently crying and feeling as though their worlds had ended.

Suddenly, they heard a sound and saw Henry come running up to them, his face white with fear. "Is she–Is she–?" He couldn't get the rest of it out. His eyes welled up with tears as he looked at his terrified and broken grandparents.

"We don't know," said David, tears running down his cheeks as he embraced his grandson. He let Henry weep in his arms, not knowing if the boy was about to lose one of his mothers.

It had been several hours since David had called Regina. Before Emma and Regina got together Henry simply divided his time between them, staying with each for one week, but when they had begun dating Emma had been round so often that it became pointless. Emma had basically moved in (although it had never been official) and so Henry had been able to stay in one home with both of his mothers around. When they broke up however, Emma had managed to see Henry a little but they hadn't brought back the arrangement yet, meaning that Henry was still at Regina's house.

After David had told her what happened Regina had insisted that she should wait to tell Henry. She wanted to ensure he got some sleep that night, not wanting him to be awoken at 2am with that kind of news. She'd also needed the time to calm herself down. She hadn't gone back to sleep.

Snow looked up and found Regina standing a little away from the trio. She clearly looked distressed and it also looked like she'd been crying. This was too much for Snow. Anger boiled in her veins as she took in the woman who was responsible, who had caused her daughter such anguish.

"You," she thundered, making Regina's head snap up. Walking over to where Regina was standing, Snow completely lost it. "You did this to my daughter," she growled. "How dare you even come here? How dare you? How dare you act like you didn't cause this? You even got dressed!" she scoffed, noting Regina's slacks and white shirt underneath her grey winter coat.

It was petty, Snow knew, but she'd been up for hours and her and David had merely thrown coats over their pyjamas and rushed Emma to the hospital.

Snow hadn't wanted to call Regina. She acknowledged the need for Henry's sake, but she still wanted to rip out her heart right then and there.

"Snow, please," came the voice from her husband. She wheeled around, murder in her eyes. "What?" she snapped. "Do you not know that this is her fault? Do you not see that if it weren't for her, I wouldn't be fearing for my daughter's life at this moment?" The distress and sadness in her voice was obvious. David walked up to her and put an arm on her shoulder.

"I know what you feel, Snow. I feel it too. I just don't think this is the right time to be bickering or blaming anyone. Can we at least wait until we know Emma is safe or not? Please?" Snow saw the hurt in his eyes and reluctantly acquiesced. But not before having the last word, again.

"Regina," she said. "I left you alone. I didn't come after you because Emma needed me. I let you get away with it because my daughter was hurting and I knew by getting angry with you I would hurt her more. But this isn't on me. This one's on you."

Snow abruptly turned around and re-joined David and Henry in their silent waiting.

Regina mumbled something about the bathroom before she left the three of them, hoping they wouldn't notice the tears threatening to fall. Once she got there, finding it thankfully empty, she put her hands down on the sides of the sink and burst into tears, her despair coming out in cascades.

"Emma, my darling," she choked between sobs. "Please don't leave me. I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry." And with that, she slid down the nearest wall, put her head in her hands and wept.

* * *

It was a long time before they got any more information. It was strange how long it was taking; surely Emma would be out of danger by now? Snow had tried to ask various nurses but they'd just evaded her questions and run off.

None of them knew if Emma was going to make it. None of them knew if their worlds would end that day. Regina returned to sit near them but resorted to sitting against a wall nearby so they wouldn't see her tears and also so she wouldn't see Snow's threatening looks.

Eventually, Whale came out into the corridor some time later and approached the three, glancing at Regina whom he knew was listening. He cleared his throat to get their attention, but he didn't really need to as all four heads snapped up at his approach.

Snow stood up and went towards him, her eyes filled with tears. "Is she-Is she ok?" was all she could muster, before the hot tears began sliding down her cheeks. "What took so long? Why haven't we been told anything? Surely it didn't take this long? I don't understand! Is she ok?" Whale interrupted her barrage of questions before she broke down completely.

"She's alive," he said with a grimace.

"What exactly are you saying?" asked David.

"Well, she will live, and in time hopefully make a full recovery. But," he warned, before they all became too joyous, "She is damaged."

"Wha-what do you mean?" asked Snow, a deep sadness in her voice, struggling to keep standing under the weight of this information.

"Well," said Whale hesitantly, "she's physically fine. But…we had to sedate her. She woke up briefly and well, it wasn't pretty."

All four of them looked at him, confused. He sighed. "I didn't want to tell you this, but let's just say she's not to be let anywhere near anything sharp for a good long while. She tried to grab a scalpel when she realised what was happening. We had to sedate her; she's a danger to herself."

Henry gasped and tears started to run down his face. David rounded on Whale. "You couldn't have not said that right in front of him? Seriously? The boy is thirteen. He doesn't need that kind of stress."

Whale wasn't fazed by David's anger. "I'm telling it like it is. If you don't want to hear the truth, then you can leave. Can I continue?" David shot him a dirty look, but nodded.

"Emma is likely to need severe therapy. Someone trying to take their own lives isn't a joke. It's serious. Really serious. Emma is deeply troubled, and it is likely she will be mentally troubled for a long time. I do not want to scare you, but she may not be the same person you knew before."

Ignoring the attempted interruptions that immediately came forth, Whale pressed on. "I want to be clear. I know you will blame _a certain person _for all this," he glanced at Regina, "but this problem runs deeper. The relationship ending no doubt spiralled Emma out of control, and it seems as though all of Emma's problems have come rushing to the forefront. All of the pain she has ever felt is in her mind right now. And that's a hell of a lot. You need to prepare yourselves, and try not to blame each other. This needs to be about Emma, do you hear me?"

Whale finished his speech, making sure to get all four nods before he seemed satisfied. With a final sad sigh, he made to leave them. "You will need to be strong for her."

With that, he turned and was about to walk away when Henry called out. "When can we see her?" His voice sounded so scared and small that Whale took pity on him. He turned back with sympathy in his eyes.

"Not tonight, I'm afraid. She needs rest and she is…not fit to be seen right now. I will let you know when you can see her. For now though, I suggest you all go home and rest. It's been a long night." He walked away.

"I guess we should go home for a while," said David gently. Snow nodded. "Okay, but we're taking Henry. I will not leave him with _her_," she spat, looking at Regina. "Not for tonight."

To her surprise, Regina didn't even argue. She merely gave a weak sort of nod then turned curtly and walked out.

Regina pulled up to her house. She walked shakily up the path to her front door and opened it. She was barely across the threshold when she fell to her knees and broke into heart-wrenching sobs, crying out Emma's name in agony.


	3. Chapter 3

**The flashbacks begin! This should explain some of what's going on, although I want to clarify that this chapter doesn't show the only reason for how Emma becomes as she does, it's just the beginning. There's plenty more angst to come ;)**

**Thanks for all the follows, favourites and reviews! I love you all.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own OUAT or any of its characters.**

Chapter 3

Regina woke up on her hall floor. She was stiff and sore, and judging by the growing light outside, hadn't slept more than an hour or two. Her hair was sticking out at odd angles and there were dried tear tracks on her face.

She looked around for a moment bemused, but then memories of the night before came flooding back to her. She held back more tears as she remembered the hospital, the waiting, and Emma.

She got up unsteadily on her feet, kicked off her heels, and made her way to the couch where she collapsed. Regina was so exhausted by all that had happened that she felt herself drifting once more into sleep.

She tried to fight it. She knew she would dream about what she had done to Emma, what had caused her such pain. But before she could stop it, everything blacked out and she was once more in the turmoil of her own mind.

* * *

**2 and 1/2 months ago**

"Gina, come on," came Emma's sleepy mumble. "Come back to bed."

Regina got out of the bed they were both sleeping in, responding to the alarm on her bedside table that showed 6am. Mornings were not Emma's strong suit. It hadn't taken long for Regina to realise this after being greeted most mornings with grouchiness and tiredness.

She chuckled at the image of a sleepy Emma with her arms out in expectation, her blonde hair in disarray. "I have to get up, darling," she said as she kissed Emma's forehead.

"Hmmph" came another mumble before Emma drifted into sleep again. Regina let out another chuckle and began getting ready for the day, listening to the quiet snoring that had resumed from Emma's sleeping person.

Emma and Regina had been dating for about 6 months. They'd had their difficulties and their fights, but on the whole everything was good. Emma had practically moved in, so to everyone it seemed like the relationship was going slightly fast but still well. Except one thing. They still hadn't said those three little words.

Regina didn't feel ready, and she knew she would panic immediately upon hearing them. She was terrified at what they would mean, and up until now Emma seemed to have accepted that.

She was scared of where they would lead. She had convinced herself that Emma didn't feel love for her. Even though she had let her guard down for Emma, she wasn't ready to let that particular demon go.

Daniel still remained in her memory. She didn't want to betray him by loving another. He had told her to love again, but she was worried that if she did then he would be gone forever.

So Regina had avoided the word 'love'. She had pushed the word away whenever it came up in her thoughts about Emma or when they were talking. She had shut it out of her mind.

* * *

Emma on the other hand, was growing restless. She knew how she felt. She wanted to yell it to the heavens and to the whole world. She thought that by now, Regina would be ready to at least hear the words from her, if not say them back.

She knew Regina was scared, but she thought their love could conquer anything. So she had a plan. Henry was in on it too. He knew how both his mothers felt even if they weren't ready to admit it. So he'd cornered Emma one morning and demanded answers.

"You are way too smart for your own good, kid," Emma had said, but she wanted this as much as Henry knew she did. So together, they hatched a plan.

One night, Emma had dropped Henry off at Snow and David's, and put the plan in motion. She'd set up fairy lights all around the house, with a romantic picnic in the living room (it was snowing outside) with some romantic music.

She dimmed the lights and waited for Regina to return, her heart beating wildly with excitement. Emma was actually wearing a dress, which Henry had managed to pester her into. He'd said it would be doubly romantic.

Emma had rolled her eyes but put a dress on anyway. The one she'd chosen was pink, short, and she knew Regina found it incredibly sexy. She'd even curled her hair and put makeup on. Emma was going all out to make this night extra special.

The door finally opened and Regina came through, her coat covered in snow. "I'm home!" she called, but then she stopped abruptly, noting the fairy lights and the music. She wore a puzzled expression until Emma came out to greet her.

"Welcome home," she said, giving Regina a soft but passionate kiss. They drew away, slightly breathy, and Regina looked amused but confused.

"Emma, what's going on? Where's Henry?" Emma smiled at her. "Henry is at my parents' and this is a special surprise for a special someone," she said, beaming.

Regina smiled. "Alright then, let the night begin."

* * *

Emma and Regina had mostly finished the picnic and were enjoying some wine when Regina noticed Emma was fidgeting uncomfortably.

"What's up?" she asked, taking Emma's hand and squeezing it reassuringly. Emma smiled shyly back. She hesitated before speaking.

"Well, we've been dating a while now and I just thought it was time to-to-"

"To what?" asked Regina, her stomach suddenly filled with a sense of fear and dread at what Emma might say.

Emma looked her right in the eyes.

"I love you," she said softly.

Regina went into a panic. She wasn't ready. She was suddenly terrified. All the negative thoughts came drifting back into her mind. She thought of how she was going to lose Emma if she admitted she loved her, because everyone she ever loved eventually got taken from her, or left her.

She thought how her mother had said 'Love was weakness', she thought of how everything would go wrong from this moment, she thought how she must end it now, because if she didn't she knew it would never end, and that terrified her beyond anything ever before.

She didn't do romantic love. She'd sworn it off. But somehow, Emma had come barrelling through all of her defences and found a place in her heart.

But she couldn't say it. If she did, it would make it all too real. And then the pain would be all too real when Emma inevitably left her.

When Emma realised exactly who she was loving.

"…Gina?" Emma's voice brought Regina out of her thoughts. Emma was looking concerned. "Its ok," she tried to reassure her, squeezing her hand and smiling slightly.

"I know you might not be ready to say it, I don't need you to. I just need you to know that _I_ do. I love you," she said again. Regina panicked even more at these words. It was too much, too understanding.

So Regina did what she always did. She lashed out.

"No."

"No what?"

"…No. You don't. You-you have to go."

"Gina?" Emma sounded slightly annoyed, as if she knew exactly what Regina was thinking. "I know you're scared, but this will be ok. I'm not going to leave you. I'm not going to hurt you. I know how I feel, and I know how you do too, even if you don't want to admit it."

"I have nothing to admit," Regina sneered. "This relationship, it's not based on love. Its may be passionate in…other ways, but I have no feelings of love for you."

Regina's walls were going back up fast. The mask that she had worked so painstakingly to remove while she was with Emma was coming on again. And there was no limit to the hurt she could inflict.

"Wh-what?" Emma's voice was like knives going through Regina's heart. She sounded so hurt and confused. But Regina thought she had to end it here, for the safety of both. She thought Emma would leave her anyway, and if Regina admitted her love for Emma she had a greater chance of getting hurt.

"You need to leave. This–this shouldn't have ever happened. I shouldn't have let anything happen between us. You should go. This can't continue. It's in our best interests. You will only end up getting hurt. You need to go."

"G-Gina? Come on, please. Don't do this." Emma was in tears and Regina looked up only to find sorrow and confusion and sadness. It broke her heart but she had to keep going.

"Leave." Her voice was harsh.

"I-I don't understand. I'm not leaving. What is going on right now?" Emma demanded.

Regina said the words before she thought, before she could stop herself.

"I don't love you."

Emma looked beyond distressed. "Gina please, I know you're just scared, I-"

"No," Regina interrupted. "I don't love you and I never have. This ends right here. Get out of my sight. I'm being perfectly serious. Leave."

Emma looked about ready to break down, but before she could Regina stood up abruptly and went to the door. She held it open. Emma came rushing through and tried to hold onto her arm.

"Gina," she began. But Regina gave her a hard look and motioned her out the door. Emma burst into tears and ran. She ran out into the cold, without so much as a coat.

* * *

Snow and David were sitting at their table, enjoying a mug of cocoa when Emma came bursting in. She was shivering and they could tell immediately something was wrong.

Emma's eyes were red and she wasn't attempting to stem the flow of tears that cascaded down her cheeks. "Emma!" they both cried, rushing to embrace their daughter before David ran to get a selection of blankets to wrap round her.

"What happened?" They sat her down on the couch and cuddled her to get her warm, both of them distressed at Emma's state.

Emma couldn't speak for ten minutes. When she finally did, it sounded like her vocal chords were being strangled.

"Gina."

"What did she do?" asked Snow, trying to keep any disdain from coming into her voice.

"She said- she said she didn't love me. She told me to leave. She said our relationship meant nothing and that it was over," Emma finished, having taken a long time to get those words out.

Snow and David exchanged worried and angry looks. They said nothing about Regina however, knowing it would only upset Emma more, and bundled her into their arms, rocking her backwards and forwards while she cried.

Eventually she fell asleep. Snow and David left her asleep on the couch while they retreated into the kitchen to discuss what had happened.

"David," Snow practically growled. "What the hell has she done to our daughter?"

David laid a hand on her shoulder to calm her, but he frowned. "I don't know Snow. It sounds bizarre. Everyone knows they love each other. I don't understand Regina's behaviour. I don't."

Snow grimaced at her husband's words. "I think I know exactly what happened."

David raised his eyebrows. "_She_," Snow spat, "just broke our daughter's heart. It likely had something to do with the fact that Emma was going to tell Regina she loves her for the first time tonight."

David started. "Oh," he said quietly. "I guess she didn't take it well." At his wife's angry look, he kept speaking. "Look Snow, we know Regina is scared to love. Frankly, I'm surprised they even made it into a relationship, and for that long. But it is clear to me that Regina _does_ love Emma. No one can deny that. It just seems she is denying it herself."

Snow clenched her fists. "I swear," she said, looking back at Emma on the couch, "the next time I see Regina I will tear her apart, limb from limb."


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry for the wait, I had a bit of writer's block but I managed to power through. Thank you to everyone who has favourited, followed and reviewed!**

**I know the chapters are somewhat short right now, but they should get longer the further in we get. Soon we will get some present day Regina/Emma interaction!**

**Just a boatload of angst in this one ;)**

* * *

Chapter 4

**Present Day**

Dr Whale let Snow and David in to see Emma the next day, tired of their constant persistence. He thought he might go deaf if he had to hear Snow yelling at him to let her see her daughter once more.

There had been another incident that he didn't want to tell them about however. He'd had to sedate Emma again, and from now on she was going to be watched round the clock, just in case. She wouldn't be conscious when her parents came in, which Whale decided was a good thing. He'd told them it was just to let her body recover, but really it was to save her from herself.

Emma wasn't ready to see her family. Snow and David would be heartbroken and asking all these questions like 'Why' and 'How could you' and 'Henry' and he knew it would be too much for her.

So for now, she was saved from that.

Snow and David went into Emma's room apprehensively. They knew how she had been before this, and guessed she was in pain, both physical and mental. Whale left the three alone together, acknowledging the need for the parents to have time alone with their daughter, trying to comprehend what had happened.

They looked down at their daughter with tears. She looked so broken, so fragile. She was incredibly thin; she had not been eating much if at all for the last month, and Snow and David had been so worried about the therapy and the drinking they hadn't really noticed. Snow berated herself a thousand times over for letting this happen to her child.

They were only allowed in there for a short time. Whale said it was too early for them to see her awake.

When he came to kick them out, surprisingly they went without argument. They went back to the apartment and just held onto each other for hours, sobbing. They hadn't lost their daughter, but they had lost their Emma. And it was going to take a long time to get her back.

Ruby had been watching Henry for the day; he hadn't been allowed to come with them to the hospital. They knew it wasn't really fair, but they didn't think he could quite handle seeing Emma yet and Regina had made no attempt to pick Henry up.

They hadn't heard from her at all. It was as if she had just shut the entire world out.

They were all in their own world of pain; all hoping it had been some sort of dream, yet reality kept coming crashing back.

* * *

David and Snow woke up the next day on the couch with their arms around each other and found Henry sitting on the living room table with his arms crossed, meaning business.

"I want to see Emma. Now!" he demanded. His tone displayed that there was no point in fighting him, but they had to make some things clear.

"Ok buddy, but listen," said David, bringing Henry into a hug. "We'll take you to see her, but you need to be ready for what you will come across. Your mom, well, she doesn't look good. She probably won't be awake. She's incredibly thin and frail. I don't want to upset you, but I don't want you to expect that you will see her looking well."

Henry locked gazes with him, determination coming off him in waves.

"I know it will be hard, I know she won't look good but…" he trailed off, before uttering the words that reminded them how young he still was. "She's my mom."

And with that, all argument ended.

They reached the hospital before lunch, and carefully made their way over to Emma's bed. She was asleep, and Whale had expressly told them not to wake her up, or he would make them leave. So for now, she was incapable of responding to her family's tears.

Henry looked down at his birth mother in silence. She looked so thin and fragile. He'd seen her during the month previous, but it had been fairly short after school-type visits. She hadn't come to the house. Not like she used to.

Henry had tried not to be angry with Regina, but he couldn't help it. He knew that it was Regina's fault what was happening to Emma, but she was his mother too. He knew she was in more pain than most being the cause of it, but he could see for himself what her fear had done to Emma. She'd reduced her to hopelessness.

* * *

**2 and 1/2 months ago**

Emma woke up, groggy and her head pounding. She had a brief moment of confusion, and then she remembered what had happened the night before. Suddenly it felt as though her chest was being squeezed, every inch of happiness being taken out.

She stood up, wavering slightly. She'd slept on the couch, falling asleep in her parents' arms. They had wrapped a blanket around her but eventually headed up to bed themselves.

It was fairly early and Emma could tell that David and Snow weren't up yet. She was suddenly determined to go to Regina's house, determined to find an answer to her ridiculous behaviour and try to resolve the throbbing pain in her heart; the one only Regina could fix.

After Emma had exited the house the night before, Regina had stood in shock for a long time. She couldn't really believe what she had done. She wanted to call after Emma, to bring her back and wrap her arms around her, but she couldn't.

She kept telling herself that it was the right decision, that they were both better off this way. After a while, she noticed she was still by the door and headed back to the living room. She took all the fairy lights down, got rid of the food and blankets, and collapsed onto the couch.

The sound of the doorbell being rung furiously roused Regina from her slumber. She knew who it was immediately; only one person rang the bell like that. She opened the door and tried to restrain herself from throwing herself into Emma's arms.

They were both dressed in last night's attire, although thankfully Emma had put on a coat and some sensible shoes as it was still snowing. Something seemed to stir in Regina and all the reasons to end their relationship came fresh running back into her head.

The fear came back. She knew if she let Emma in, there would be no going back, so she simply stood by the door, trying to ignore the pain in her heart.

"Miss Swan," she said coldly. "What do you want?"

Her tone clearly surprised Emma. It did not weaken her resolve, however.

"Gina. Look, we need to talk. Last night was insane. It was ridiculous, it-"

Regina cut her short. "I regret nothing I said," she began, but was stopped by the tears coming into Emma's eyes.

"No," said Emma, shaking her head in disbelief. "You have to regret it. I _know_ you. I know you just freaked out and I am sorry if I scared you. Can't we just talk about it? I'm not going to lose you. I'm going to fight for you. I know how you feel about me. I know how I feel about you. Please let me in." Her voice was desperate, as she well knew, but she wasn't going to lose Regina. Not like this.

Regina's mask of coldness was unmoving. "You need to leave my property. I do not wish to see you again, unless it is dropping Henry off or picking him up. This relationship is at a close. Do not come knocking on my door again. Good day." Regina slammed the door shut in her face.

Emma stood, taken aback. This was not her Regina. This was not her girlfriend. She knew she had been bold saying _I love you_, but she hadn't expected this reaction. She thought Regina was just freaking out, but it didn't stop the tears once again cascading down her cheeks.

She knocked on the door. "Gina, let me in!" She continued to knock and shout until her hands hurt and her voice was hoarse. She knocked and knocked but no one answered. Eventually she went away, dejected and feeling as though Regina might as well have ripped out her heart and crushed it in front of her.

When she got back to the apartment Snow and David were up and looking worried. They knew where Emma had gone, and her appearance when she returned was enough to tell them what had happened. They didn't say anything, they just held her again while she cried. She eventually drifted into an uneasy sleep, with a puzzled and shocked look on her face.

Regina had heard her knock. She had heard her yell and scream her name. She had heard the sorrow and desperation in every one of Emma's words and knocks.

Regina was weeping on her couch, her heart giving her so much pain it hurt. She wanted Emma back, she wanted Emma so badly, but she was so afraid. She was a coward, she knew. She was being cruel and acting heartless. But she couldn't face it.

If she went any longer, if Emma left her after admitting she loved her, then she knew she wouldn't be able to recover. She didn't want to be hurt by Emma if she couldn't survive without her.

Regina thought, at this moment, that if she stopped it now then she could survive, she could move on. She thought the pain in her heart might subside and that she could avoid future pain.

She just couldn't open herself up to that kind of vulnerability, to depend completely on one person. True, it had been like that with Henry, but she felt fairly secure of him. She knew she would eventually have to let go a little while he went to college or got married. She couldn't handle it if she would have to let Emma go. She didn't want to live a day without her and couldn't risk Emma shattering that happiness.

So she'd ended it before she got too close, before it became too much. She'd ended it before Emma completely held her heart in her hands.

But somehow deep down, Regina knew Emma already did.

Fear and anger motivated Regina. Anything she'd ever loved had been taken from her, even Henry for a little while. She was not going to let that happen again. She would rather be alone forever than have another person she loved be taken from her.

So it was easier to push Emma away, because she hadn't acknowledged she loved her. She had lashed out with anger, knowing that she was hurting Emma, because it was the only way to make Emma stop loving her back.

Regina was only truly convinced by these thoughts for about five minutes, but she let herself be consumed by them, driving everything towards the conviction that she was right. She told herself it was the right thing, that it would soon be over, and that she could forget Emma and Emma could forget her.

She was denying the simple facts that she loved Emma, was loved in return, and that those feelings didn't just go away in a day.

Her stubbornness persisted, but the pain in her heart did not cease.


	5. Chapter 5

**This story is a bit AU. Neverland happened, but Pan never switched bodies with Henry, the curse didn't happen again etc., and there was no Zelena. So basically, life returned to normal after Neverland. This story is set some time after that.**

**There's some dark stuff in this one, just be wary. Some of it is more from Emma's point of view.**

**WARNING: Mentions of attempted suicide.**

* * *

Chapter 5

**Present Day**

The doorbell rang. When Regina opened the door she found Henry standing there with a frustrated look on his face.

"Henry?" she looked at him, confused. Henry's glare ceased immediately as he saw just how much pain she was in and how much she'd been crying. He sighed. She wasn't going to like his suggestion. Well, more of a demand really.

"Mom," he said before wrapping his arms around her waist. She almost collapsed at the touch. She needed Henry to love her now more than ever. He pulled away and without preamble began. "You need to come and visit Emma."

She looked taken aback and panicked. "Come on, Mom. She probably won't even be awake. I don't care what happened between you two. Come and see Emma." His tone indicated he wasn't taking no for an answer. Regina nodded weakly and let herself be led out of the house. They drove to the hospital, and found Snow and David already around Emma's bed.

Snow looked almost murderous as Regina entered but a look from Henry silenced her. "Can she…just be alone with Emma for a few minutes?" he pleaded. "Please." Snow was about to protest but David cut in. "We'll be outside." He led Snow out by the arm and Henry followed, shutting the door so they could have privacy.

Snow rounded on them both immediately. "Are you insane? What do you think you're doing? She caused this! She-"

"Grandma," Henry stopped her. "I know. I know she did. But you're forgetting something." Snow looked at him quizzically. He looked back sadly. "She knows. She knows it was her fault. She's suffering enough, trust me."

At this, Snow quietened. Henry had a point. Regina was likely suffering the most having been the cause of it all. "Fine," she gritted her teeth. "But she doesn't get to be alone with Emma for long." Henry smiled back up at her. "They both need to heal," he said quietly. "Hopefully this is the beginning."

Regina approached Emma's bed, tears welling in her eyes. She took in Emma's paleness, thinness and evident weariness. She stroked Emma's cheek and tucked a loose strand of blonde hair behind her ears. "Oh Emma," she choked before dissolving completely into tears.

"Emma, I am so so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Or maybe I did, but not this much. I was protecting myself. I was so selfish, I know that now. I never deserved the love you gave me."

Regina looked over Emma's body and hesitated before taking her hand. The blonde was fast asleep.

"I–I love you, Emma. So much. I think I have for a while. I was just too scared to see it or let you in, and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for ruining what we had, and hurting you in the process. I will try and make this up to you. I'm not sure I ever will, but I will never be so cruel ever again. I'm still scared, but it's nothing compared with the fear of losing you. I'm not sure if you'll ever forgive me, and I don't know where we will be, but I hope at least we can be friends. I love you, my dear Emma."

Regina let go of Emma's hand, tears streaming down her face. She backed away slowly from the bed and then left the room, walking silently away from the Charmings and Henry, only stopping when she reached the bathroom. Once there, Regina let the tears fall again as she tried to deal with her conflicting emotions.

* * *

**2 days ago**

Emma slowly became aware of her body. She noticed an ache that seemed to permeate every fibre of her being, and groaned slightly at it.

Slightly confused at the noises that were happening around her, Emma noticed a steady beeping sound. She wondered what it could be, and then she remembered.

The pills.

Had she succeeded? Was it all over? Emma opened one eye only to be met by a bright light. She quickly shut it, before trying again.

The light faded slowly, and eventually her surroundings came into view. She lifted her head and looked around, horror and dread swirling in her stomach. She was in the hospital, which meant–

She'd failed.

If the beep of the machine indicated anything, it was that she was still alive. Emma sat up quickly, causing the beeping to quicken. She looked around the room in fear. How long had she been in here? It looked like it was getting lighter outside, which meant it was either the next morning or days later.

Before she could rip out the tubes on her arm and run, Dr Whale came into the room followed by some nurses, who were carrying various trays of 'examining' instruments. Mostly it looked like they were going to check Emma over and take some blood samples.

"Ah, Miss Swan," said Whale, his stoic face ever present, "you're awake. Good."

"What the hell, Whale?" Emma spat out.

The man in question was unfazed by her outburst and merely frowned. "You gave everyone a bit of a scare, Miss Swan. You are still alive, and your family is very worried about you. They've been waiting for hours, but I wanted to make sure you woke first before relaying the news."

Emma's thoughts were running about a hundred miles an hour. She'd failed, which meant that her family were going to know. They were going to know the pain Emma was in. And–Oh no.

They were going to ask why. They were going to look at her with sadness and a million other emotions Emma couldn't deal with. They were going to make sure she 'got better' and watch her every moment of the day. She was going to have to deal with everything again, yet it would be a million times worse.

The voice in her head told her to try again. _They won't miss you, _it said. _They only brought you here as a smokescreen. Your parents won't want to deal with you now. Not with a new baby on the way. All they want is to raise a child from birth; they don't want some washed-up excuse of a person for a daughter. And Regina? She doesn't care. She's ignored you for the last month. You let her into your heart and she destroyed you from the inside out. And Henry's just a kid. He doesn't understand. He won't be able to deal with you. Soon enough, he'll grow tired of you and leave, just like everyone in your life. He'll see what a mess you are, and that you aren't fit to be a mother. You aren't fit to be anything. Just end it now. It will be easier for everyone. Do. It. Now._

She couldn't watch as people pretended to care for her. She couldn't see them all leave again when they thought her to be 'well enough'. She couldn't go through being abandoned again.

"No!" Emma yelled, tears running down her face. She looked round frantically and her eyes zeroed in on the nearest sharp object she could see. It was a scalpel on one of the trays a nurse had brought in. She reached for it, bringing it up to her wrists.

She started to cut but a strong hand grabbed her wrist and pulled it away. She felt other hands restraining her and the next thing Emma knew was that everything was going fuzzy again, even as she thrashed about and tried to escape.

The nurses and Whale had been startled by her sudden yell, and by the time they'd shaken out of it Emma had grabbed the scalpel. Whale lunged and grabbed Emma's hand just as she started to make a cut while the other nurses held Emma back and one administered a sedative.

Whale shook his head as Emma faded from consciousness and ordered the nurses to remove anything sharp from the room. It was saddening to see Emma like this. He prepared himself to go and talk to her family, who were waiting anxiously outside, not knowing what to say about their obviously troubled daughter.

* * *

Emma woke again, quicker this time. She knew where she was before she opened her eyes. The beeping noise gave it all away. She reluctantly opened her eyes before sitting up again.

She felt a little woozy, and realised she had been sedated. She inspected the cut on her arm. It was barely there; Whale had grabbed the scalpel before she'd made any real damage. Looking around the room, Emma noticed everything sharp had been removed.

Before she could make a run for it again, Whale came in. It was like he could predict when she would wake and bolt. He didn't seem so cocky this time; he actually looked slightly concerned.

"Miss Swan." It wasn't said with his usual arrogance or bite. He sounded…cautious.

"What do you want Whale? I'm not in the mood for games. I'm guessing by the way I feel that I've been sedated. Not a cool move, I'm just saying."

He seemed to get angry for a moment, but calmed himself and spoke in an even tone. "You tried to hurt yourself again, Emma. It was for your own good. And in any case, it saved you from having to encounter your parents earlier today."

Emma blanched. "They were in here?" At his nod, she shook her head and ran her hands through her hair frantically. "No no no no, this is not happening. Oh god, no. Why the hell did you let them in?"

"They requested it. Your parents were very persistent and very worried. And they had good reason to be. Now, just so you know, you're under suicide watch until further notice." A kindly looking nurse followed him into the room and nodded in Emma's direction before sitting down on an available chair and proceeding to read.

Emma sighed. She knew she couldn't get away with anything now. She was going to be watched like a hawk for a long time to come, she knew. Just like last time. But like before, she thought no one would care after a certain point.

She slumped back on her chair, trying to push the sadness away and feel nothing. But she was unsuccessful. The tears pricked at her eyes. Eventually Whale left and she was left to turn her head away from the nurse and resume her silent crying. She'd been doing it for so long it was like second nature.

* * *

**Present Day**

Snow, David, Henry and Regina were all in the waiting room again. Whale had requested to see them to discuss Emma.

He came out to greet them and drew up a chair, facing the four.

"I want to discuss Emma," he began. "She is physically fine now. It is normal hospital policy to release someone after a few days if they are physically well. While Emma may feel a bit tired, that is all that will trouble her physically. But I want to speak with you all." He eyed the four, who looked a bit relieved at his words. He sighed.

"Keeping Emma here won't help with her mental recovery, in fact I think it will hinder it. But the question remains at where she will go." He held up a hand as Snow opened her mouth. "She will need round the clock supervision for a while. This can't happen again. I don't know where the best place is for her, and I doubt she'll be willing to return to any of your homes." His gaze flickered over Regina, then the Charmings.

"I'm sorry if it hurts, but it's the truth. Emma needs to heal, and I don't see that happening where she has a reminder of everything that contributed to where she is now. I think that ultimately it should be Emma's decision where she goes, but I think you should figure out some suitable arrangements in the most likely case that she won't live with any of you."

They nodded, and he hesitated again. "Emma…doesn't have a wish of seeing any of you right now. Except Henry. She might change her mind in a few days, but for now I think you should all go home. There's no use in staying here when you won't be able to see her."

Snow and David looked downcast as they nodded in acknowledgement. Henry seemed distressed but glad that his mother still wanted to see him. Regina retained an impassive mask, but behind it were flickers of guilt and fear.

"Ok then," said David quietly. "Lets go grab some food now and go home. If Emma doesn't want to see us…then we have to respect that. We'll bring Henry tomorrow."

All four stood up, and there was a moment of awkwardness as to where Henry would go. Regina spoke first, bending down slightly so that she was at Henry's level. "Henry, I think you should stay with your grandparents tonight." At his worried look, she tried to smile reassuringly. "I will be fine dear. I'm under no illusions that this isn't my fault, and I just need some time to deal with that. Besides, I don't want to argue with everyone any more, and I think this is the best way to avoid that. But I would love for you to come home as soon as you wish. I know you all want to be together right now, so I'm not going to get in the way of that. "

Henry nodded and then hugged her tightly. "Ok Mom. But it would be better if we were all together, including you."

She merely hugged him tighter. "Henry, I love you so much, but I don't think that's going to help right now."

Henry nodded, stepping back. "Ok, I love you too." Then he, Snow and David left, and Regina went back home, alone.

* * *

Emma was idly picking at her blankets when Whale came in. "Good evening," he said pleasantly. She raised an eyebrow at him. Whale was never pleasant. Creepy and a bit of an ass? Sure. But nice? No.

"What do you want, Whale?" Emma asked, scepticism clear in her voice.

He sighed a little before speaking. "Well, Emma. We have some things to discuss. You have physically recovered, so you should be fine to be released in a few days."

"W-what?" Emma's thoughts were racing a million miles a second. She hadn't really thought about that. That would mean she would have to go home. But where was home? It wasn't at Regina's any more. It wasn't really at her parent's house. She didn't want to see any of them except Henry. She'd made that clear. But where was she going to go?

"Relax, Emma," said Whale, clearly sensing her discomfort. "Nothing has been decided yet. Ultimately the decision is yours. I've asked your family to come up with some arrangements as I guessed you wouldn't want to go with them. They were a little hurt but promised they would figure something out."

The tension in Emma's body released as she heard this. She wasn't going to be forced to live with her parents. Thank goodness. She couldn't even see them now; living with them would be ridiculous.

"Oh and also," Whale began casually, "there's going to be someone checking up on you at regular intervals. Just to make sure you're alright. It's policy."

Emma scoffed. "Since when was that policy? I don't need a babysitter, Whale."

"There are some who disagree, Emma. You may not like it, but it's happening."

Emma rolled her eyes. "Oh great. Just what I needed. Some old hag coming round to my house every few hours and making me answer all these ridiculous questions like _How are you feeling?_ And _Do you feel well today?_ And _Any strange thoughts as of late? _Seriously, the calming tea they make you drink tastes like vomit. Gross."

Emma realised how much she'd said when Whale's eyes widened and he gave her a curious look. "How do you know the questions they ask, Emma? How do you know what happens after a situation like this?"

Emma guessed he'd already figured it out but chose to feign ignorance. "Just a guess. Well, I'm really tired right now, so I'm going to sleep. Later Whale." With that she lay down and closed her eyes, not daring to move until she heard him leave the room.

"Damn it," she mumbled, berating herself for the slip.

Outside, Whale was on the phone. "Get me Emma Swan's hospital records. Yes from outside Storybrooke. That's none of your business, just get it done. Good." He hung up with a grimace and walked down the corridor and out of sight.


	6. Chapter 6

**PLEASE READ: So I've decided to change the timeline of this story a bit. It was originally one month from the break up to the present, but I've decided that's not really long enough for everything to have developed. So I'm changing it to two and a half months. It does make sense, I promise. And it doesn't affect the story that much. I will change it in the previous chapters ASAP.**

**Warning: Some bad language in this chapter.**

Chapter 6

"Are you sure about this, Snow?" asked David. Snow, David and Regina were all standing outside an unfamiliar house in Storybrooke. Snow said she had a plan of what would happen with Emma once she got released, but David wasn't sure that it would go down well.

"Why exactly have I been dragged here, Snow?" drawled Regina, unimpressed.

Snow turned to face the two. "Well, Emma gets released soon. And I know she said she didn't want us to be around her, but I'm not going to stand for that. She's my daughter; I will not let her deal with this alone. She needs us. So, we're all going to live in this house with her, including Henry, until she gets better. That includes you, Regina."

Regina's eyebrows shot up to her hairline. "I–I beg your pardon?" she coughed out. "I hardly think this is a good idea. And as for me living here? No. I won't do it. Emma doesn't want me around right now, for good reason I might add. I will not upset her further by agreeing to _this_," she waved her hand towards the house, "which is no doubt going to be against her will. You cannot make me. This idea is absurd."

Snow rolled her eyes. "Well I'm sorry, but you don't really have a choice. Emma needs all of us around, and she needs to face what is happening to her. That includes you. You did have a hand in all of this, so you owe it to her to try and make amends. Emma will not like this, I know, but she needs it. She needs her family now more than ever. I'm not going to stand by while she suffers."

Regina sighed and buried her head in her hands. She knew it wouldn't help to try and dissuade Snow; she was clearly in full on mother mode right now. She wasn't going to be talked out of this idea, however crazy it was. And that meant that eventually, Regina would give in. She knew she would. She didn't want Emma to suffer any more and she planned to try and make peace with her. But she figured Emma was going to be pissed off when she found out about it.

She looked back up at Snow and David. "I have a question before I agree to this. I don't understand why you're being calm all of a sudden, Snow. I ruined your daughter's happiness, remember? Why do you even want me here?"

"Believe it or not, Regina, but I think having you here will help Emma face her problems. I still haven't forgiven you for what you did, but I'm willing to look past it for the moment in the name of Emma's happiness. She cannot heal if you two don't resolve your issues. I don't mean in getting back together, I just mean in making peace once and for all. She has to deal with this; _we_ have to deal with this. So you're staying here, alright?"

Regina opened and closed her mouth a few times, eventually realising it was futile to argue. "Fine," she breathed. "I'll stay."

Snow smiled in victory. "Excellent. Well, this house is up for rent, and I've already sorted all the paperwork. Everything can be done efficiently if you are determined enough. I figured we'd rent it for a few months and all stay in it. It's quite big, so everyone can have their own bedroom and there's plenty of space so we won't be in each other's hair all the time. It's a perfect arrangement."

Regina arched her brow at the word 'perfect', but let it slide. The upcoming months were going to be extremely difficult. Emma would probably be extremely angry with her, and she didn't know how to even start trying to apologise. Everything had gone disastrously wrong in the past few months, and it would no doubt take a long time to fix.

Snow's voice interrupted her musings. "Well, I'm off to tell Whale of the plan and take Henry to see Emma. I'll talk to you later with the finer details." She spun on her heel and went back to her car, David hurrying in her wake. Regina merely stood, slightly dumbstruck as she observed the house and thought about the months to come.

It was a ridiculous and crazy idea, of that she was certain.

But would it work?

* * *

"I don't care where I go," said Emma. "I just want to get the fuck out of here."

Whale raised an eyebrow. "Fine. But you may not like what is in store for you when you leave."

Emma sighed and lay back on her pillows. "What is it, Whale? I can handle it."

"Well, your parents have come up with a…somewhat unusual arrangement. While they know you don't want to see them for now, they have thought of something where you do have to see them, despite my instructions. They have insisted that you, them, Henry and Regina all move temporarily into a house together."

Emma laughed coldly. "Funny. Really funny. Did anyone ever tell you that you should have been a comedian?"

Whale suppressed a scowl. "I'm not joking, Emma."

At this, Emma sat bolt upright, shooting him a full on glare. "You're serious? No. I will not do that. I'm pretty sure that's the opposite of what I asked. I will not spend time in a house with my parents and my ex-girlfriend. I won't fucking do it. I'm pretty sure the stress would send me over the edge."

Whale sighed. "I know about your past, Emma. I know that there was no one to give a damn. And I know you don't want to be around the people in question right now. But the situation's different. There are people who_ do_ give a damn about you. So let them. Let them care for you and look out for you and be there for you. For once, let people help you. Let them in."

Emma hardened her gaze. She was clearly not impressed. "Oh, _right_. I'm sorry, I was just being blind. _Of course_. It's that easy! God, do you hear yourself? I did let them in: all of them. Regina broke my fucking heart and my parents are going to replace me. I'm being abandoned for about the billionth time. So don't blame me if I don't want to let people in. You have no idea what I've been through, alright? So don't you dare judge me, Whale. Don't. You. Dare."

She put all of her contempt and hatred into her glare. The room dropped about ten degrees. Emma didn't say any more, she just let her eyes speak for her. The silence was deafening.

Whale shifted uncomfortably on his feet. Emma was pretty intimidating when she was angry. He had only felt this afraid in front of a handful of people, the top person on that list being Regina. Emma was far more easy-going and generally pleasant, but she could be forceful, scary and frightening when she wanted to be. And if looks could kill right now, Whale would be six feet under.

"Ok, look. You're an adult, so you can't be forced into anything. If you want to live alone right now, no one can stop you. All I'm saying is that your parents will find a way into your life. You can't shut them out forever. They will find a way in, whether you like it or not. If you choose to live with them all, then you can at least do it on your own terms. You can have more of a say in when and how they will be in your life. Please consider it." Whale finished speaking and nearly ran out the door in his haste to get away from Emma's gaze.

Emma smirked. She knew she could scare people with a look. It was a fortunate trait she had. And right now, Whale was scared shitless.

* * *

The knock on the door startled Emma slightly. She looked up and found Henry standing shyly beside it, looking unsure as to whether he should enter.

Although Emma felt internal panic and fear, she masked it on her face as she smiled at her son. "Henry! You're here! It's great to see you."

Henry's face broke out into relief as he abandoned his reserve and ran into the room, hugging Emma tightly. Emma felt the tears from his eyes on her arm but she didn't comment, she merely stroked his hair as he hugged her.

"I–I missed you, Ma," he said, his voice slightly muffled.

"I missed you too Henry," Emma whispered. He pulled out of the hug and just looked at her intently, like he was trying to commit every feature to memory.

"Have you heard about grandma's living plan?"

Emma swallowed hard. "Yes I have kid. I haven't made a decision yet though."

He nodded, and averted his eyes from hers as he spoke. "I know you don't like it, Ma. But I think you should do it. I just want you to be ok, and I think having your family around will help you. I know you and Mom aren't together anymore, but I think it's better if we're all around and we're all there." He looked at her finally, and there was such hope in his eyes that Emma found she couldn't refuse him.

She stroked his cheek, sad that he had to bear such a burden because of her. "Okay kid, I'll accept it. We'll all live together for a while. It's not going to be easy, but it might be the best way. I'm not really okay with your Mom being there, but I guess I don't have a choice. They said they could release me tomorrow, so I guess we'll all move into this house your grandma has found then."

Henry's face lit up with a bright smile and Emma felt her heart break. She loved Henry so much, and she felt so guilty about almost leaving him. She didn't want to upset him, but she truly believed he would be better off without her. For the moment however, she clung onto his affection, not knowing if it would eventually disappear.

Henry stayed for over an hour, chatting about the last few days but leaving out any mention of what had happened. Whale eventually came in and told Henry that his visiting time was up. He left after giving Emma a final tight hug, and happily reminded her that he'd be there the next day to take her home. She watched him go with tears pricking at her eyes.

Whenever Emma was with Henry, she was reminded of how innocent he really was. True, he'd seen his fair share of horrors as Storybrooke seemed to be constantly under threat, but he'd borne it pretty well. He'd always had people who loved him and took care of him. He'd never felt truly abandoned, even considering what Emma had done. He always had a light about him that brightened the lives of whoever he was with.

Emma felt almost dirty when she was around him. She felt so in contrast to his lightness. She'd lived a life with no one to care for her. She'd never had a proper home, everyone she'd ever got close to had left her, and she'd never felt enough for anyone. Before she found her parents, she'd always felt like she'd been born inherently bad, because she couldn't find any other reason that her parents would have abandoned her on a highway. She'd always felt like not enough and not worth it when she was sent from foster home to foster home. And she'd felt completely broken and worthless when Neal had left her, pregnant and alone.

No one had ever stuck around for her. When she'd found her family she thought that it was the beginning of a whole new life, the beginning of her happiness. And for a time it was. But then her mother got pregnant and it was all Snow could talk about. She was so excited at the opportunity to raise a child. Emma knew she could not compare. How could she? Her parents hadn't raised her. They didn't know her at all. She was the same age as them. She recognised being replaced and abandoned as soon as she saw it, and she saw it in her parents' eyes as they talked about their future baby.

Then there was Regina. Emma finally thought she had a chance at love with her. They understood each other. They were both broken and damaged, and through time they had started to heal each other. Emma thought that it was the salvation of her heart. After so many years of carefully constructed walls, Emma let them down for Regina. She became vulnerable and exposed for the first time in forever, and once again she got burned. She allowed herself to be happy and it got thrown in her face.

So Emma had realised that maybe she wasn't meant to be happy. She was continually abandoned and her happiness was never quite within reach. She felt like this had been her last chance, and now it was gone. She had received the message. She would never get true happiness, she would never feel true love. Maybe all she was meant to do was break the curse and nothing more. But that didn't mean that it didn't hurt.

Emma really didn't want to live in that house with her parents and Regina. She didn't want to have to face them, their questions and their pitying eyes. She didn't want to see them acting like they understood, because they would never understand. No one would grasp how she really felt. No one could understand her pain.

But she _was_ going to live with them. She was going to endure it all. She was mostly doing it for Henry; she felt so awful at being the cause of his pain that she wanted to try and alleviate his burden, at least for a while. Even if he eventually left her too, at least she could say she tried to do something to make him happy. She could look back on her life and regard this moment as something good, something done for someone else other than herself.

Emma knew she would never be happy, but she hoped that one day her pain might lessen.

* * *

"Emma…it's time to go. They're waiting."

Emma nodded. She stood up off the hospital bed, dressed in her usual clothes. She hugged her red leather jacket around her for some grounding. She was beyond terrified at what was going to happen. She almost wanted to call the whole arrangement off, but she knew she had to go through with it, if only for Henry.

She nervously followed Whale out of the hospital room and down various corridors into the waiting room, by the entrance. There was only Henry and David waiting for her, which made her relax immediately. She had feared her mother standing there with a balloon or something. This was much better and much more low key.

"Ma!" Henry cried before giving her another strong hug. Emma gratefully relaxed into it, thankful that he was going to be around. It was hard knowing what sadness she had brought upon him, but the kid didn't question her about it. He just moved forward. He didn't pity her, he just let it be.

Emma avoided David's gaze as they walked out the hospital. He didn't attempt to talk to her; he knew she needed some space. So he just walked by her silently, and drove the truck to the house they were going to live in without question.

As they drew up outside the house, Emma contemplated it with a gulp. It was a nice, serene house with grey brick walls covered in ivy. It wasn't imposing, it was just…normal. And somewhere that wasn't her parent's apartment or Mifflin St. For that, Emma was grateful. She got out of the truck and held onto Henry's hand tightly, nervous at what she was about to enter into.

David unlocked the door and all three stepped inside. Emma smelt fresh coffee and something else delicious cooking. Before she could ask any questions, David cleared his throat nervously. "Dinner will be in about half an hour. I can show you your room if you'd like?"

Emma nodded. They went upstairs and David led her to the second room on the right. He stood around awkwardly for a moment and then decided to go back to the kitchen, muttering something about 'caffeine'. Henry went to his own room, leaving Emma to open the door alone. She peeked round the door and found a large, pleasant room. The walls were a beautiful blue that exuded a sense of calmness. Her window faced out of the back of the house and Emma could see a large garden.

There was the usual furniture in the room, along with the few items that Emma owned. She ran her hands over her baby blanket, feeling calmer with every minute. She lay down on the bed and stared at the ceiling, taking everything in. The house was nice. It was somewhere different, and it made Emma feel much more calm and at peace already. She decided it was going well for now, although she had yet to encounter the two people whom she didn't want to see at all right now.

She was going to have to face her mother and Regina soon. She couldn't not talk to them now. That wouldn't help anyone, and it would make everything extremely awkward. She sighed as she looked at her watch; the half hour was up. Emma reluctantly got up off her bed and carefully made her way downstairs. She heard voices in one room and walked in to find herself in the kitchen. Her parents were in deep discussion, Henry was drinking something, and Regina was dishing out dinner.

At the sight of them all, Emma suddenly felt a hot wave of anger coursing through her. They were all standing there looking so content and normal, not seeming to care that it was partly their fault she was in this state. She was pretty much having a breakdown, and they all had it so easy. Their minds didn't feed them destructive and self-loathing thoughts every day of the week. They didn't constantly worry that they weren't enough. They didn't know they were never meant to be happy.

"Emma!" said Snow, suddenly noticing her daughter at the door. "We're just about to eat, would you like a drink? We have lemonade…"

Emma didn't hear a word of what she said over the sound of her own heart breaking.


	7. Chapter 7

**I am so so so so so sorry that I haven't updated in ages! I will try not to let it happen again, I swear. I just haven't had any time recently to write and then I had huge writers block and couldn't get it written. But I powered through and here we are. I hope you like it. Oh and I think I mentioned it, but I'm not sure– Snow is about 3 months pregnant in this story.**

**Thanks to all the follows, favourites and reviews!**

**WARNING: Mentions of self harm.**

Chapter 7

Dinner was awkward to say the least. Emma had barely spoken a word to anyone throughout and Snow kept not-so-subtly worriedly looking at Emma, fidgeting the whole time. David and Henry were trying to keep up the conversation, but the tension was still clearly palpable in the room.

Regina hadn't spoken either. She could read Emma perfectly well, and could tell that she was angry. It wouldn't take much for a full-blown argument to happen. And if she knew anything, it was that Snow _did not_ know when Emma was close to boiling point. And Snow had a knack of saying exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong moment.

"Is there any dessert, Mom?" Henry piped up, breaking the deafening silence that had somehow permeated the room.

"Of course, dear," replied Regina. "We have apple pie and ice cream. How about we clear the plates and go get it, hmm?"

Henry nodded enthusiastically and started collecting everyone's plates. Emma offered him a small smile when he took hers, and he beamed back at her.

Once the two had left the room, it was just Emma, Snow and David left. Emma pointedly looked away from them, while Snow opened and closed her mouth several times, looking like she was going to say something. Finally, she spoke.

"So…Emma. How are you feeling?" Emma finally looked at her, only to raise an eyebrow in amused fury. Of all the things she could have said, she went with _that_.

"Oh, I'm just great," she deadpanned. "Really."

Snow had the decency to look a little ashamed at what she'd just asked, but she didn't stop speaking. "I just want you to know that we're here for you. We're a family, Emma, and we're going to help you get through this."

Emma sighed and mumbled "Only for the next six months." Snow looked confused, not having fully heard what Emma had said. "What?" she asked, but before anyone could say anything else Henry came bounding in.

"Pie!" he exclaimed excitedly, causing the adults to laugh and for the subject to be dropped.

They sat in relative silence eating the pie, except for Henry's occasional outbursts of praise at his mother's cooking.

After it was eaten and the dishes cleared away, Snow and David suggested they have a movie night. Emma quirked an eyebrow at the idea but acquiesced.

Unfortunately, Emma ended up sitting by Regina. The lounge only had two two-seater couches and an armchair that Henry was currently occupying. Naturally the Charmings had sat together, leaving Emma to sit as far away as possible as she could from Regina. She could feel the awkwardness of the situation, but chose to ignore the brunette.

Regina was no less comfortable. Much as she wanted to be close to Emma, she realised she didn't have the right to do so. She sighed inwardly as Emma scooted closer to the arm of the chair, leaving a fair distance between the two.

They hadn't properly spoken since Emma had woken. Emma had no idea of any of what Regina had said to her while she was unconscious. If she had though, it probably wouldn't have affected her anger. She was still extremely hurt and pissed off with Regina. Understandably so.

Both women knew they would have to talk it all out at some point, but they both chose to put it off, knowing it would be extremely uncomfortable and emotional.

Once the movie had finished, they all trooped off to bed. Emma kissed Henry goodnight then made her way to her room. She sighed as she looked at the bed. Another night alone. She desperately missed the warmth of another person and the stability she felt from it. There was something about being wrapped in the arms of a loved one that calmed her.

Emma felt the stress of the day weighing on her and picked up one of her notebooks. She started to write, feeling the burden of the day slowly ease away as she let all of her thoughts flow onto the page.

A few rooms away, Regina tossed and turned throughout the night, not having had a good sleep since she pushed Emma out of her life.

* * *

The next morning dawned far too soon for Emma's liking. She had managed a dream-free sleep, which was rare these days, only for it to be interrupted by the bright light of the sun.

She rolled over groggily, checking the clock. She burrowed under the covers with a groan as it was only 6am. Sleep, however, evaded her. After half an hour of tossing and turning, she decided it was pointless.

It was a beautiful, crisp day outside. Emma had not gone on a long run in a while, and she suddenly felt the urge. Exercise always cleared her mind, and the burn of her muscles distracted her from the pain in her mind.

So she pulled on some exercise clothes, grabbed her trainers, and quietly made her way out of the house. She didn't stop to leave a note; she figured no one would be up by the time she got back.

She ran, feeling the wind blowing through her hair and hearing nothing but the pounding of her own feet. It was freeing, and Emma felt more relaxed than she had in months. Running seemed to wipe everything else off her mind and made her focus on the present.

She stopped as she got to the pier, taking her time to appreciate the water. The waves were extremely calming, and Emma realised she hadn't been to the pier in some time. She sat down on a bench, hugging her knees to her chest, just watching as the waves crashed against the rocks.

Emma's eyes slowly fluttered closed as the soothing sounds lulled her to sleep.

Some time later, Emma awoke with a start. She looked around confused for a moment before realising where she was. She wasn't sure how long she'd been asleep for but she thought she should get back to the house as quickly as possible, just in case her family were looking for her.

She made it back to the house fairly quickly, and let herself in. It was almost 8:15 according to the clock in the foyer. Emma hoped no one was up yet, but then she heard the unmistakeable sound of Regina's heels running closer to her.

"Snow, David? Did you find her? I–" Regina stopped short as she ran in and noticed Emma. There was a small moment of awkwardness as they realised they hadn't been properly alone in a long while.

"Oh, Emma, there you are. I–we were worried when you weren't here, and when you didn't come back your parents went to search for you."

"Oh. Sorry. I went for a run, and didn't think I'd be that long so I didn't leave a note. I guess I got caught up in it and didn't notice the time pass."

Regina simply nodded. She was having a hard time averting her eyes from Emma's body. Emma was wearing a simple tank top and shorts, and there was a thin layer of sweat coating her body. Regina hadn't seen her like this in several months, and her attraction to Emma hadn't been at all doused in the time they were apart. She wanted to run over to her and kiss her, but she knew that wouldn't be at all appreciated.

The silence hung in the air for a few moments before Regina collected herself. "I'll go call your parents and let them know you're here. Henry is still asleep at the moment. I-I'm going now." Regina ran off, slightly flustered. She fumbled with the phone before calling the Charmings.

Snow had poked her head in Emma's room at about 7:30 and immediately panicked when Emma wasn't there. She'd searched the house in a frenzy, not listening to David or Regina trying to offer her any reasonable explanations as to why she was gone. She'd insisted David come with her to search for Emma, and so they had gone, leaving Regina very exasperated.

As soon as Snow heard the news, she sped back to the house like a shot. She was acting rather ridiculously, but David didn't dare comment.

Snow entered the house and ran to the kitchen where she found Regina starting breakfast. She raised an eyebrow at Snow's dishevelled appearance.

"Where–Is–Emma?" panted Snow.

"She is currently in the shower, dear. Unless you want to disturb her, which I strongly advise against, then I suggest you wait until she is finished."

Snow fumed slightly at the snarky remark, but chose to let it go. She sighed and collapsed on one of the chairs at the kitchen island, and let David who had just entered pour her a coffee.

"I was just so scared," she said quietly. "When I woke this morning and Emma wasn't there…I just kept imagining all sorts of horrible things that were happening to her. I can't lose her again. I've lost her too many times."

David wrapped his arms around Snow and she leaned her head on his shoulder. The whole situation was taking its toll on them, although they weren't exactly helping it along.

Henry eventually emerged into the kitchen, sniffing the air hopefully. When he noticed Emma's absence, he frowned. "Where's Ma?" he asked.

"Right behind ya, kid." Emma appeared in the doorway, smiling at her son. She looked a lot better this morning; more relaxed and content.

Henry looked relieved and hugged her before focusing on his stomach again. "Where's the food?" he asked, which made everyone chuckle.

"Right here, dear," said Regina, serving up waffles.

* * *

Breakfast went surprisingly well. Emma was feeling much better after her run, and managed some conversation with Snow and David. They all felt a little more relaxed and happier.

There's always calm before the storm.

As Snow was finishing up hers, she suddenly clapped her hand over her mouth and rushed out of the room.

"Morning sickness," said David, by way of explanation. He went after Snow, and they could all hear tell-tale signs of retching from the downstairs bathroom.

After a few minutes they emerged looking happier than they should have, considering the circumstances.

"Why are you guys smiling?" asked Henry bemusedly. Snow and David grinned at each other before Snow lifted her shirt up just enough to expose her stomach.

"Look!" she said excitedly. "It's starting to show, you can tell there's a baby in there now. Isn't this great?!" Henry beamed and ran up to the two, hugging them tightly.

"Wow, this is so cool. I'm going to have an aunt or uncle!" He exclaimed. David ruffled his hair. "That you are buddy."

Emma had been very silent during this exchange. The happy bubble that had surrounded her for the morning felt like it had suddenly burst. She took in the happy faces of her parents and felt her heart shatter.

They looked so excited. They wanted the child; they wanted a fresh start. They wanted a child who they could raise, not a sorry excuse for a person who was their age. When they baby was born, they wouldn't want her. In time they would be consumed by the baby and forget her. Emma couldn't deal with that.

She stood up abruptly, surprising everyone in the room. "Excuse me. I'm not feeling well. I think I need some air." She fled the dining room quickly.

Snow, David and Henry took her words at face value. They looked on sympathetically as she ran out and then returned to conversing about the baby. But Regina could tell. She knew Emma well, knew all of her insecurities, acknowledging with a flinch that she had exploited them all over the past few months. Emma was feeling far from alright.

She mumbled something about checking on Emma and exited the dining room in search of her.

Emma was not in her room or in the rest of the house. Regina growled in exasperation before she remembered how much Emma liked nature.

She went into the garden and found Emma sitting with her back to a tree, writing in her notebook. Her face was calm except for the small furrowing of brows that indicated she was concentrating.

Regina approached her slightly warily. Emma had no reason to put her confidence in Regina and would probably tell her to go away. But she decided to try anyway.

"Emma? Are you alright? What are you doing?"

Emma looked up, startled by the interruption to her thoughts. She looked up to find a very nervous Regina who was wringing her hands together. She looked like she was ready to be yelled or screamed at. Emma felt a little sad as she thought over what their relationship had become. Nothing but shambles.

"I'm fine. I'm just writing. It helps me clear my head, y'know? I used to do it all the time when I was a kid. I guess it's been a while since I've needed to do it, but here we are."

She didn't know where the honesty had come from, but she was past the point of caring.

Regina looked a little shocked from the admission, and eyed Emma curiously. Emma had never talked about writing during their relationship. For Emma, it was because she hadn't felt the need to release her anger or sadness. It had all seemed to fade away. But now…well, she had things to be angry and sad about.

"Oh, ok," said Regina. "I, well, I could tell you were a little upset back there. I just wanted to check on you. Do you mind if I sit?"

Emma nodded and Regina sat on the ground facing her. She fidgeted nervously with her hands, taking a deep breath before speaking.

"So, you don't have to talk. Not if you don't want to. I'm guessing I'm the last person you want to see right now, but we'll get to that later. What I want to say is that I never realised how much Snow's pregnancy might be affecting you. They don't want to replace you, you know. They love you more than anything, they just don't really know how to show it."

Emma scoffed. "Please. They're ecstatic because they have a chance at actually raising a child, and that it will turn out nothing like me. They'll raise some perfect little prince or princess, who will be nothing like their criminal worthless other child. They don't want me. They want the _idea_ of me; their perfect saviour daughter who can never put a foot wrong. But that's not me. I'm not who they think I am. And I never will be."

Regina gasped slightly and her eyes filled with tears. "Emma. I know I'm the last person you will believe, but you are worthy of all the affection they give you. You are enough. They know who you are and they love you all the same. Please believe me. You are enough." She wasn't sure how Emma would take those words, since her behaviour had been contrary to that for the last few months.

Regina couldn't really believe what she'd done to Emma. Looking at her now, seeing so broken, her heart shattered into thousands of pieces knowing it was her fault. She'd turned Emma away and made her believe she didn't love her. She could never, ever make up for what she'd done. But she had to save her somehow. She had to make her see just how beautiful and amazing she was.

Emma simply gave a tight smile at Regina's words, clearly not believing them. "It's ok, Regina," she said in a voice devoid of any emotion. "You don't have to lie to me. I know you don't really believe that. I'm not naïve enough to think otherwise. You've made your feelings pretty clear. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go somewhere."

Emma stood up quickly and walked away, leaving Regina in a haze of pain and confusion. She put her head in her hands and wept for Emma, wept for what she'd done to her.

* * *

Emma all but ran back into the house, wanting to simply get away from Regina. It hurt too much to talk to her, to hear such words come from her mouth. She couldn't believe that Regina meant them. Regina spent the last 3 months basically telling Emma she was worthless and that she wanted nothing to do with her.

She couldn't figure out her angle. Emma at this point firmly believed that Regina had never loved her, although it didn't make the pain any less. So why was she saying all these things? Was she trying to manipulate her?

What really confused Emma was that Regina had looked so sincere. She'd seen nothing but concern in those brown eyes. But if Emma knew anything, it was that Regina was a master of hiding emotion and true feelings.

So she just supposed that she was lying to her, probably so she'd pull herself together enough not to hurt Henry again.

Emma sighed. She was always messing things up. She couldn't do anything right. She couldn't be a good daughter or a good mother.

She couldn't even make Regina happy.

Emma didn't know what to do with herself anymore. In 6 months she would become of second importance to her parents. In a few years Henry would undoubtedly leave for college and move on with his life.

And Regina…well. She clearly wanted nothing to do with Emma.

So Emma felt like she had nothing. Again, she was being left in favour of newer and better things. She was being traded. She was not enough. And that hurt more than anything.

Being around everyone at once was too much. She was constantly reminded why she had done what she did, not how she was meant to get better.

With a sob, Emma reached into her bedside table and pulled out her penknife. She lifted up her tank top with a shaking hand and pressed the knife in, drawing small lines. The pain and the blood reminded her that for once, she was just human.


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey everyone! Here's another update for you all :) Thanks for all the favorites, follows and reviews! I really appreciate the support. **

**WARNING: Mentions of self harm.**

* * *

Chapter 8

Blood and tears covered Emma's shaking hands. She put the penknife down, wincing at the pain that shot through her body.

She regretted it. But then she didn't.

She needed to feel physical pain, to distract herself from the real world around her. The lines on her stomach were prominent against her pale skin. They stood out as a reminder of the pain she was suffering.

She hadn't cut herself in a long time. The last time she had, she'd been young and unfortunately in a similar situation. Nothing in her life had been right, no one had loved her; it was a way out.

She just felt so helpless. She felt as though she was drowning and everyone she loved was standing watching, unwilling to help. She put her head in her hands and sobbed, amazed that she even had any tears left inside her to cry.

A sudden knock on the door jerked her from her thoughts. She sat up quickly, hissing from the pain it caused. Thankfully she'd remembered to lock the door.

"Emma?" the unmistakeable sound of Snow's voice floated into the room. "We're going for a walk if you would like to join us. You have an appointment with Archie this afternoon anyway."

Emma frowned. She did? She didn't remember agreeing to that. As if Snow could read her mind, she continued.

"We organised it for you. We want to help you, Emma. You'll be having appointments with him at least once a week going forward. And one with some of us there, too."

Emma's eyes widened comically. She felt a bit weird having this conversation through a door, but she wasn't fit to be seen right now.

"Er, what? Sessions with some of you too? Is that really necessary?"

She could practically hear Snow roll her eyes through the door. "Yes, Emma, it is. We are going to work this out together, ok? So get dressed and come downstairs in the next twenty minutes. You're going to see Archie today whether you like it or not."

Snow's footsteps sounded down the corridor, indicating she had left. Emma sighed. She needed to clean herself up; her family couldn't see her like this. They had no idea of the extent of everything, and now was not the time to find out.

She went into the bathroom and tried to avoid looking at herself in the mirror. She got into the shower for the second time that day, almost crying out when the water flowed over the cuts on her body. It stung like hell. Emma knew she shouldn't have done it, but she was just so tired of feeling helpless.

Making sure to scrub any traces of blood away from her hands and face, Emma finally exited the shower. She dressed in her usual jeans and tank top combo, feeling an odd sense of calmness as she put on her red leather jacket. It was something consistent, something that had been her armour for so long. It protected her against the world, even when it felt like she couldn't breathe.

Unfortunately the cuts were still fresh and some were still bleeding. Emma dabbed them as best she could and made sure to wear a black top, just in case. She could still feel some pain but revelled in it. It was something she could control, something tangible. When everything else was slipping away, she could control what physical pain she felt. It was something in the mess that was her life.

She went downstairs and found everyone waiting for her. She sighed inwardly, knowing this was going to be an extremely awkward and uncomfortable day.

* * *

"I'm starving. Can we go for lunch?"

Henry's voice reached Emma's ears and she froze. She hadn't seen anyone else outside the four she was currently with in the last few days. News was sure to have spread about what happened, and everyone who saw her was likely to give her a pitying look, a rushed hug, or some other words of well-wishing.

She didn't know if she could deal with it. It was hard enough being around her family all the time; she didn't need the added pressure of the whole town. She was about ready to object, when unfortunately Snow answered for her.

"Of course, Henry! Everyone is dying to see Emma. I think the social interaction will do her good."

Emma raised an eyebrow, annoyed. "If you don't mind," she began, "I think I can speak for myself. I would really rather not see everyone right now, thank you very much."

Snow faced Emma, a look of condescending pity etched onto her face. "Emma, be reasonable. You can't hide in the house forever, you have to face everyone. And what better time to do it than now? There won't be too many people there. Come on." And with that, she grabbed Emma's wrist and all but dragged her to the diner. Any protest died on Emma's lips. Snow was determined, and there was no dissuading her from something once she set her mind on it. It would be pointless to argue, no matter how afraid and nervous Emma was feeling.

They reached the door of Granny's and Snow finally let go of Emma's wrist. Emma rubbed it, sure there was going to be a bruise from her mother's vice grip.

As soon as they entered, there was a noticeable hush among the customers. Everyone was unabashedly staring right at Emma, which made her extremely uncomfortable. Some people even resorted to whispering and pointing. The people of Storybrooke had a complete lack of subtlety.

Snow smiled brightly at them all and proceeded to a booth, followed by the rest of the group. Emma wanted to crawl in a hole and hide for eternity, but she forced herself to power through. She was going to need some serious alcohol later.

"Hey guys!" Ruby came sauntering up to them, a big smile on her face. Her eyes lingered on Emma a second longer than the rest of them. "What can I get you?"

They all placed their orders, Emma neglecting her usual cheeseburger and fries for a BLT. She hadn't eaten much in the last few months, and her appetite seemed to have shrunk. Thankfully no one commented and Emma was able to eat quietly, avoiding conversation as much as possible. When the group moved on to talk about the baby, Emma found she couldn't stand to listen anymore, so she excused herself to go to the bathroom.

She was so occupied with getting away that she didn't notice where she was going. She bumped into Ruby and accidentally knocked the tray she was holding from her hands. Before she could bolt or awkwardly apologise, Ruby spoke as though it hadn't happened.

"Emma. It's good to see you. I've missed you, you know."

Ruby tried to appear as calm as possible, but her eyes betrayed the worry and fear she was clearly feeling.

Emma felt a pang of guilt. Even more people than anticipated had been hurt at what she'd done. She should have known though; Ruby was one of her best friends. She could have been angry with Emma, but in that moment she looked sincere and a little nervous. Emma forced herself to smile. "I've missed you too, Rubes. We should have a girl's night soon. Or coffee. Or something."

Despite the half-heartedness of the proposal, Ruby's eyes lit up and she nodded enthusiastically. "Of course! That sounds great, I can't wait. Oh and Emma…just so you know, you can talk to me anytime. I'm sure it's a bit much having everyone around you all the time, so if you ever need to cool off, I'm always here. I may not know the right thing to say, but I have food and drink."

Ruby shrugged as if that was the answer to every question, then turned on her heel and left Emma standing alone, feeling confused but glad. She at least had somewhere to go that was indoors when it all got a bit too overwhelming. Emma knew Ruby wouldn't judge her. And as she watched Ruby walk away, she realised she should have spoken to her sooner. She'd been neglecting everyone since the incident, and now she felt guilty.

Sighing, Emma ran a hand through her hair. She had a lot of relationships to heal.

* * *

Looking at the therapist's door, Emma took a deep breath and knocked.

Archie opened it, smiling. "Emma, welcome. Please come in." She nodded at him and walked through, sitting on the couch with her hands clasped over her knees. Archie took a seat opposite and opened his notepad. He regarded Emma's uncomfortable stance.

"Emma, it's ok. These sessions are confidential. I'm not going to judge you, or tell you whether you should or shouldn't feel something. I'm here to listen and help you figure things out."

Emma sighed. "Look Archie, you're a great person, really, but I don't like talking things out. It's never really helped in the past."

He simply smiled at this comment, choosing to ignore it. "I want to help you, Emma. Let's start with the living arrangements. How are they going?"

Emma leaned back into the couch in defeat. She was going to be forced to come here every week, so she might as well talk. It was better than sitting in awkward silence.

"Fine. I'll talk. But if I feel uncomfortable, I'm stopping. Ok?"

Archie nodded. He didn't say anything else, indicating that it was Emma's turn to talk.

"The living arrangements…I'll be blunt; they're not going well. I am constantly reminded of why I did what I did. I hate that I can never get away. And I hate how they're all acting; they smother me one minute and the next they forget I exist. Are you happy now?"

Emma glared at Archie once she'd finished. He simply polished his glasses for a moment before putting them back on his nose. "I'm not happy that you're not happy, Emma. I'm sorry that you feel that way. I would say that I think you need some time to yourself, a couple of times a day. Just go somewhere where there's no one else around. But why do you think they forget you exist? The whole arrangement is for you, and I'm sure that could never happen."

Emma stared at her hands for a long moment. "There are times when…I dunno, I guess they have more important things to worry about. Then I become second on their list. That's not going to change; I'll never be first for any of them. This arrangement is as much for them as it is for me. My parents particularly want to feel like they're helping. They want to be able to show people that they're doing something."

"It sounds as though you think their motives are selfish. Would you mind elaborating on that for me?"

Emma huffed out a breath, folding her arms across her chest. "They want to have the perfect daughter, and the perfect daughter doesn't come with mental problems. They want me to become like them– sickeningly happy. They want me to fulfil my role as the saviour and the product of true love, when I'm just a girl who got forced into a harsh world against her will. Nothing more, nothing less."

"You are much more than that, Emma. People respect you, look up to you and love you. You may not feel like the saviour but you have saved lives, and you did break the curse."

Emma looked wistfully out the window and sighed again. Archie furrowed his brow at the dejectedness he could see in Emma. It was as though she'd given up.

"Ok fine. I may have saved some people, and I broke the curse. But all I did was kiss Henry. It wasn't like I rode in on some steed and destroyed all the evil. And besides, I 'saved' everyone _else_; I never got saved. Everybody has their happy endings, and I don't. Maybe I'm just not meant to be happy."

"Emma, please stop talking yourself down, this isn't going to help you. Of course you are meant to be happy. You have a son who loves you, along with parents who also love you. You are a strong person who has dealt with many hardships in your life but you have kept on going regardless. You must have hope. You are resilient, Emma. You will get your happy ending. Right now the fight may not seem worth it, but I assure you one day it will be."

"I don't know whether I believe in hope anymore," Emma whispered, tears starting to run down her face.

"It may not seem like there is any right now, but the future is always brighter. The only way you can go is up. Sufficed to say that you are at rock bottom right now. You know what they say: You have to hit rock bottom before you can get back up."

Archie wasn't sure of the actual saying, but it served its purpose. He watched as Emma's face, for a brief moment, lit up with a semblance of hope. It was fleeting, for sure, but it was there.

Emma, for her part, felt as though someone had sparked something within her. Maybe she could be happy one day? Unfortunately, a huge part of that happiness was no longer open to her. But maybe she could find something worth fighting for. She felt like she was grasping at tendrils, trying to find something tangible to grab onto. At the moment she had nothing.

Archie leaned forward. "Give it time, Emma. One day you will be happy. It probably won't be tomorrow, or the day after that, but there is hope."

Emma didn't know what to believe. She felt as though there was a war waging inside her mind. If the fight was too hard, Emma knew she would give in. She'd been fighting for so long now that she felt weary: in bones and in spirit.

She thought of all the people she loved, and how much damage she'd done to her relationships with them. She hadn't meant to hurt anybody, but of course she'd ended up doing so. She shook her head as she thought over everything.

"I know I've been acting selfish lately," she said slowly, "and I know I've been neglecting people. I guess I just feel like no one's ever fought for me. And now I suppose people are, but I just don't really know how to deal with that. And it's hard when they forget about me for a moment for something newer and more exciting. I know I have no right to want it, but I want to be fought for whole-heartedly. I want someone to be selfish about me. Does that make me a bad person?"

Archie's eyes were filled with sympathy. "Not at all," he said quietly. "You are not a bad person, Emma. You have been through some terrible things in your life, things the people close to you cannot understand. They do not know what level of pain your life has caused you. I am not you, so I don't understand fully either. All I want to do is help you to find happiness. That means working through your pain; facing it. I am not going to be naïve and think I can make it all go away, but I want you to be able to live without it dragging you down."

The clock on the mantelpiece chimed, signalling that the session was over.

"I'm afraid our time is up. I shall see you at our next session, which some of your family may be attending. I'm sorry if it will be too hard for you, but we'll see how the first one goes, shall we?"

Emma nodded, wiping her cheeks. She stood, said goodbye and left in a daze. Her mind was still in turmoil. She felt so lost and confused. Happiness had never been truly granted to her. Could she have it now? Was it worth the fight it would take, and was there even a happy ending waiting for her? Emma sighed as she walked out into the fresh air. She didn't know what to think.

* * *

"Ma? Will you play with me?" Henry held out a frisbee, looking at Emma slightly nervously. After Emma had returned from her appointment, they'd all sat outside, enjoying the pleasant day.

Emma smiled up at him, Archie's words ringing in her ears. "Of course, kid. I bet I can beat you though," she said with a wink.

He rolled his eyes. "No way! I'm so much better than you!"

Emma jumped up and faced him in a mock fighting stance. "Bring it on."

They threw the frisbee around, laughing heartily. Emma was better than Henry, but he had improved rapidly in the last few months and was giving her a fair fight. Snow and David smiled as they heard their daughter laugh genuinely. To their ears, it was the most beautiful sound. The smile on Emma's face reached her eyes, and she seemed lost in the moment as she played with Henry.

After Henry missed a particular shot, Emma danced around wildly. "I win!" she exclaimed. "I beat you, mister!" She ran towards him and started tickling him mercilessly. Henry tried to get away but ended up laughing and collapsing on the ground.

"Ok ok," he said, fighting off tears of laughter. "You win, Ma. I'll beat you next time, though."

Emma smirked. "In your dreams, kid."

Henry suddenly grinned mischievously. "How about one more round? This one doesn't have to count; I just want the practice." He looked at Emma pleadingly, who she didn't seem to notice the glint in his eye.

"Sure," she shrugged. "One more round can't hurt. Bring your best shot."

Henry scrambled up off the ground and grabbed the frisbee. He tried to recall all of Emma's tactics. He threw it so that it looked like it was going close to Emma's left side but at the last moment it spun wide, going an unreachable distance away from her. Emma lunged for it, but was too late. She fell and landed on her side with an 'oomph' bursting from her mouth as she hit the ground unexpectedly.

Henry was laughing uncontrollably at Emma's expression; she looked truly bewildered. She shook her head at her son in amusement and got up, but immediately after she clutched her stomach in pain and almost doubled over. "Shit," she muttered, feeling some of the cuts from earlier split from the jump and landing. She hadn't meant to cut as deeply as she did, but she clearly hadn't noticed what she was doing to herself.

"Ma? Are you ok?" Henry's nervous voice gained the attention of Snow, David and Regina, who hadn't been paying much attention before. They could see that Emma was in some pain, and Snow immediately got up and ran towards her, fear etched onto her face.

"Emma, are you alright? Are you hurt? Do you need an ambulance? I can get the first aid kit if you want. David?!"

Emma held out a hand and stood up fully, wincing as she did so. "Whoa. Hold the fire, Snow. I'm ok. I, uh, bashed my ribs earlier. Nothing serious. It just hurt when I landed on my side, y'know. I didn't mean to scare you. I'm fine, seriously." Emma tried to smile through it, but it came off as more of a grimace. The skin was still sensitive where her cuts were, and some were probably bleeding again. Great.

Snow relaxed a little. "Alright then, if you're sure. How about we start making dinner?"

Emma nodded. "Sure. I'm just going to go change into something more comfortable." She went quickly into the house and up to her room. Once there she took of her top and surveyed the damage with a groan. Most of the cuts were small, but there were a few that were deeper than they should have been.

"How did I do this to myself?" Emma mumbled. She didn't remember cutting that deep, and she hadn't even noticed it during the day. Her mind had been so full of pain and confusion that she didn't have time to think about it.

Sighing, Emma changed into sweatpants. She decided to do something about the cuts. They weren't that bad, but she felt she should at least clean them up or put plasters on them or something (that's what they did on tv, anyway). She found a first aid kit in the bathroom and tried to find something that would help. The only problem was, she'd never really used such a thing and didn't know where to start.

Emma was so engrossed in figuring out what to do that she didn't notice the sound of footsteps coming closer to her door. The door that she'd forgotten to lock.

* * *

Regina came up to check on Emma, since she'd been gone longer than expected. She assumed Emma was dressed and when she found the door was unlocked, opened it and poked her head around to see if Emma was there. What she saw however, made her blood run cold.

Emma was attempting to tend to some deep-looking cuts on her abdomen. When Regina looked, she could see a lot of smaller cuts that looked very fresh littering the rest of the blonde's stomach. She gasped as she realised what Emma had done. Hearing the sound, Emma's head snapped up and her jaw dropped in fear. She hadn't heard anybody approach, and now she was looking up at a scared and emotional Regina, whose eyes were trained on her very obviously self-inflicted wounds.

Regina came into the room and shut the door, locking it behind her. She faced Emma with tears in her eyes, as Emma remained frozen in the same position, various wipes and plasters scattered around her. She knelt down in front of the blonde, grasping her hands in her own, which seemed to snap Emma back into reality.

"Emma," Regina whispered, her voice full of sadness. "What are you doing?"

Emma gulped and looked away, trembling. There was such concern in Regina's eyes that it was overwhelming. She realised there was no point in lying now. It was very obvious what had happened.

"Emma. Did you…do this to yourself?" Emma couldn't look at Regina or speak in that moment, so just reverted to nodding, shutting her eyes tightly as though she wanted to disappear from the situation very badly at that moment.

Regina could see the pain etched onto Emma's face, and she could see the way she was shaking. She then looked at the cuts. They looked painful, but they weren't as bad as she had originally thought. Regina took a deep breath.

"I'm going to take care of this for you. I'm used to this kind of thing, so it will go a lot quicker. Is that alright?"

Emma nodded again, and Regina set to work. She had tended to every cut and bruise that Henry had ever got, so she knew what she was doing. She'd also had a number of nasty incidents in her own life. She could have healed the cuts with magic, but she didn't think Emma would want that. All of this indicated that Emma wanted to feel _something_, and if that happened to be physical pain at the moment, then Regina wasn't going to take that away. She would try to prevent it from happening again, but for now she let it be.

As she got a wipe out of the kit, she bit her lip nervously. "This is going to sting a bit."

She applied it to a cut and Emma immediately hissed in pain, grabbing onto Regina's forearms to brace herself against it. Regina stopped, looking at Emma. "I'm sorry, but I have to keep going. Will you be ok?" Emma nodded, but didn't remove her hands from Regina's arms, gripping tightly when she continued what she was doing. She worked with expertise, but incredible gentleness.

Regina said nothing about it. Although the circumstances were less than ideal, this was the first bit of real contact she'd had with Emma in months. She let Emma hold onto her, feeling as though she had been brought back to life in that moment. Emma's touch made her feel so alive in a way that no one else's ever had.

She finished what was needed and reluctantly released herself from Emma's hold. She stood awkwardly in front of her before turning to leave.

"Wait," came a small voice behind her. Regina turned to look and found Emma fidgeting and looking at her nervously. "Thank you."

Regina's heart melted in that moment. She smiled. "Of course. I won't tell your parents, you know. That is none of my business. But if you ever want to talk about it…I'm here." She turned and left the room, shutting the door behind her. She braced herself against the wall as she let a few tears slide down her face.

"My Emma," she whispered. "I will save you, just as you have saved me."


	9. Chapter 9

**Thanks for all the favourites, follows and reviews!**

**Just so you know, Neal isn't in this story. Since this is a bit AU, after Neverland he left Storybrooke. He's still alive, just not around.**

**The text in italics indicates a memory.**

**Warning: Some bad language in this chapter.**

Chapter 9

"_Hello?" Emma poked her head around the door of the apartment_. _It was dark and silent, which was unusual. Snow and David should have been home by now. _

_Emma turned the light on and recoiled in shock. She wasn't seeing the apartment's interior; instead she was looking at the kitchen of a familiar house. It was the Swan's house. _

_Suddenly Mr Swan himself came into the kitchen, muttering intelligibly. He poured himself some coffee, sat down, and ran his hands through his hair. The phone rang, and he picked it up immediately._

"_Hello? Yes this is he…no of course…we will have her ready to go immediately…alright…see you soon." He hung up and then called for his wife, who came in after a few moments._

_Mrs Swan had her hair tied in a bun and was wearing loose-fitting clothes as she was pregnant. It was obvious if you looked hard enough. She looked a little worn out but smiled at her husband as she entered. He spoke softly to her, as if fearing someone else would hear. _

"_The social worker called."_

"_Oh?"_

"_She's coming by for Emma soon." _

"_I see." Mrs Swan sat down next to her husband, sighing in what sounded like relief. "All of her things are packed. She still thinks we're going on holiday; we're going to have to tell her now."_

_Mr Swan nodded. "And after she's gone, we can focus on our real family." He put his hand on his wife's stomach, smiling. She placed her hand atop his, putting her head on his shoulder. _

_Soon enough light footsteps were heard and a little girl of three came bounding in, blonde curls bouncing. Emma smiled up at the adults, missing the way they silently communicated to each other. Mr Swan got up and kneeled in front of Emma. _

"_Emma dear, soon Mrs Jones is going to be coming round, ok? She's going to take you away from here, to where lots of other children are."_

_Emma frowned immediately. "What? But I wanna stay with you! Why do I have to go?" Tears started welling up in her eyes as the young girl tried to contemplate what was happening. _

"_Well Emma, you know that we're expecting a baby."_

"_Yup! And I get to be big sister, right?"_

"_Well…unfortunately we can't afford to look after two children. So you'll be going back to the group home, and then eventually another family will look after you."_

"_What? But we're a family! Daddy what's going on? I don't wanna go back! Don't make me!" Emma started outright sobbing, curling up on the floor. Mr Swan merely huffed impatiently._

"_Stop that, Emma. We haven't adopted you yet; you're not part of this family. You'll go back to the home and another family will look after you, alright? It's just not going to be this one. I'm sorry."_

_He didn't sound at all sorry and stood up, opting to fetch Emma's bags from her room. Emma stood up after he left, wobbling slightly and turned to face Mrs Swan, who had started reading a newspaper during their conversation._

"_Mommy? Why are you sending me away?"_

_Mrs Swan looked at Emma, a mixture of indifference and pity on her face. "Emma, don't worry. You'll find another family, I'm sure of it. We just can't keep you here."_

_The doorbell rang, and Mr Swan appeared with several bags in his arms. He deposited them in the hall and opened the door to an ageing lady with glasses, grey wispy hair and a no-nonsense expression on her face. _

"_Mrs Jones. Please come in." Mr Swan gestured the woman inside. "I'm afraid she's going to fight this. It's going to take some effort to get her to leave."_

_Mrs Jones nodded, waving a hand dismissively. "I've had plenty of experience with this, Mr Swan. I can handle an obnoxious three year old."_

_They proceeded into the kitchen and when Emma saw them she tried to hide behind a chair. Mrs Jones simply walked around and grabbed her by the arm, ignoring her protests. _

"_Be quiet, child!" she hissed. "You are coming with me without argument, back to the group home where you belong. You will no longer be a burden on these people, do you understand?"_

_Emma nodded, the words slowly sinking in. Tears trickled down her face as she looked at the family she could have had. She was a burden. They didn't want her anymore._

_They left, Emma waving a half-hearted goodbye before trudging out to the car in silence. She cried silent tears on the journey, already mourning the first proper home she'd ever had. She didn't know what was waiting for her at the group home, but it wouldn't compare to the feel of having real parents. Emma curled up in a tight ball and shook with sobs. She wasn't enough for them. Who would she ever be enough for?_

* * *

Emma awoke with a start, covered in sweat and shaking. It took her a few moments to realise where she was. She hugged her knees to her chest, tears still leaking out of her eyes. Her nightmares always appeared just when she thought she was done with them.

That particular one had had been plaguing Emma her whole life. It was mostly true, although Emma obviously hadn't been present the whole time; she'd filled in the blanks herself. The Swans had given her back once they discovered they were having a child of their own. She didn't remember much about that home, except that she felt safe there. The memory of abandonment had always surpassed anything else. She remembered Mrs Jones well however, shuddering at the thought of the cold bitch who always seemed to swoop in out of nowhere and take Emma away from home after home.

Emma shook herself out of her memories and decided to get up. It was early, but there was no way she was getting back to sleep any time soon. She changed into her usual attire and crept down the hallway, hearing soft snoring emitting from her parents' and Henry's rooms.

It was slowly getting lighter outside, so Emma decided to sit and watch the sunrise. She went into the back garden and sat on one of the various patio chairs. The air was cool and crisp, and it felt rejuvenating against Emma's still-flushed skin after her nightmare. She let it wash over her, taking the pain of the memories with it.

Eventually she calmed down. It always took a while to get past her nightmares and today was no different. The pain always felt fresh, like what she experienced had only just happened. It reopened the invisible wounds etched into her heart. And now, there was no one but herself to soothe them.

After a while, Emma felt the need for some coffee, and judging from the light outside it was now properly morning. It was likely that others were awake, so she made her way to the kitchen, hearing the unmistakeable voices of her parents in there talking.

Snow and David had started discussing baby names already, even though it was still early on in the pregnancy. Unfortunately it was all they had been able to talk about for days. They said they wanted to be completely prepared, which apparently meant just saying random potential names out loud all day. It was getting very exasperating for everyone, not just Emma. Even Henry had stopped offering up names and tended to leave the room when the conversation started again. Snow just kept shaking her head saying "I'll know it when I hear it."

Emma walked into the kitchen and groaned as she heard more possible names being suggested. There was no order to their discussion; they weren't even going alphabetically. She resisted the urge to bash her head against something as they spoke.

"Gabrielle?"

"No."

"Sophia?"

"Hmm. No."

Emma rolled her eyes and tried to block their voices out. When Regina came in a moment later and heard the conversation, she immediately wrinkled her nose as if she could smell something awful. She gave the Charmings a dirty look before going to make coffee, standing near to Emma who was already clutching her own cup.

"They're still at it?" she murmured, angrily pressing buttons on the machine.

Emma nodded, a sour look on her face. "Unfortunately. They have six months to decide this. I don't know why they're trying to figure it out now. I wish they would wait and give us some peace."

"John?"

"No."

Emma groaned and put her head in her hands. "Make it stop. Or rip my ears off. Or something. Please."

Regina chuckled. "I could silence them with magic if you want. Or just send them far, far away where no one can hear them. It wouldn't hurt. Much." She had a twinkle in her eye and winked at Emma as she spoke.

Emma burst out laughing at her words. Snow and David stopped their incessant name-discussion to look up in shock. Emma was laughing. With Regina. That was certainly a new development. And by the slight blush on Regina's cheeks, she was very happy that it was happening.

"Please do," Emma said, slightly breathy from the laughter. "Or just the silence part."

Snow looked slightly offended at the inference but chose not to say anything, however Emma's laughter was promptly cut short when their naming conversation resumed. She scowled at her parents and clutched her mug tighter in annoyance. Regina slammed down her own mug on the counter, her best glare being directed at the Charmings. They never seemed to pay attention to anyone else.

"Thomas?"

"No."

"Mark?"

No one had time to hear the reply to this suggestion over the sound of Emma's mug slipping from her grasp and shattering on the floor, covering her feet and the surrounding area with coffee and shards of china.

Snow, David and Regina all gasped. Emma was trembling and her eyes were glassy, as she was thrown into the haze of another memory that she never wanted to remember.

"_Come on Emma, we're going now. Don't make such a fuss, silly girl."_

_Emma tried to get out of the vice grip she was currently in, but to no avail. Mrs Jones was back, forcing her out of another home because she was 'disruptive'. Emma had tried to be good, really tried, but to the family she was no more than a meal ticket. Even so, they had fed her and given her a bed and not hurt her. They'd mostly ignored her, but that was better than the alternative._

_Now it was all being taken from her again. And who knows what the next lot would be like. She struggled again against Mrs Jones, but the woman practically threw her in the car._

"_Now, we've actually managed to find an immediate replacement, so you'll be going there straightaway."_

_Emma fidgeted nervously. She clutched her bag to her chest; her possessions were now reduced to one bag of clothes, along with the baby blanket she was found with. She looked out of the window with dull eyes. She always seemed to mess up; no one ever wanted to keep her. She was never enough. _

_The home she'd just left had been one of the better ones, unfortunately. No one hurt her, they didn't starve her and she had a proper place to sleep. It wasn't a family and it wasn't love; but it was something safer than what she'd experienced in the past. _

_As they approached the next home, Emma, even at 12 years old, felt a deep sense of foreboding. The house was grey and exuded despair. The paint was flaking and the yard looked like it had never been looked after. It didn't look like anybody lived there, despite the three foster children other than Emma residing there. _

_Mrs Jones yanked the car door open with extreme ferocity and grabbed Emma, practically dragging her up the garden path. Emma rolled her eyes and wondered just when Mrs Jones was going to retire and get out of her life. She looked the same as she had when Emma was three, except for greyer hair and a few more wrinkles. But she always seemed stronger and more ferocious every time she appeared to take Emma away. Emma had no idea how old she actually was, but she wasn't about to incur the devil's wrath by asking._

_Mrs Jones rapped smartly on the door, which opened surprisingly quickly. A tall, brown haired man stood behind it, a fake smile plastered on his face while he looked at Emma with subtle loathing._

"_Mrs Jones," he said sweetly. "Marvellous. I take it this is Emma?" _

_Emma was thrust forward, her attempts to inch away failing. Feeling Mrs Jones's hand give a warning squeeze at her neck, Emma attempted a smile. _

"_Ah, Mr Taylor. I trust you can handle everything here? I need to be going, I'm afraid."_

"_Certainly, I wouldn't want to keep you. And you can call me Mark, by the way."_

_The adults said their goodbyes and Mrs Jones left without saying anything to Emma, as usual. As soon as she was out of earshot, Mark growled. He grabbed Emma and pushed her into the house, ignoring her squeaks of protest. He rounded on her after shutting the door._

"_Now listen you little brat. You will not disobey me while you're here, understand? You will do everything I say, otherwise the consequences will be very severe. Do I make myself clear?"_

_When Emma didn't immediately respond, he slapped her across the face, causing her to stumble and a pained gasp to escape from her lips. _

"_Do. I. Make. Myself. Clear?" His eyes glinted dangerously as he stepped closer to Emma, his hand raised ready to strike again. _

"_Yes," Emma whispered, clutching her burning cheek. _

_Mark seemed satisfied. "Good. And you will call me sir. I will not have you disrespecting your betters. Especially when I am so far above your worthless self." _

"_Y-Yes sir," Emma stuttered. _

_Mark smirked and started walking to what was unmistakeably the kitchen, gesturing for her to follow. When Emma entered, she saw three other children who looked about her age. With a gulp, Emma acknowledged the bruises all over their arms. _

"_This is what happens to people who disobey me, understand? Now eat."_

_Emma nodded and sat down next to the others, eyeing her measly meal with sadness. No way would she be able eat properly for the next few months. Sighing inwardly, Emma resigned herself to eat, while trying to hold back her tears. _

* * *

"Emma?"

Emma was shaken out of her memory by Regina, who looked pale and frightened. She looked up to see her parents staring at her in shock and confusion. When she looked down she could see the spilt coffee and mug shards littering the floor.

"I, um, what happened?"

Snow glanced at David, a worried look on her face. "Well you dropped the mug you were holding. Then you sort of went rigid and were shaking. I-we-I wasn't sure what was happening. Are you alright, sweetheart?"

Emma sucked in a deep breath, closing her eyes for a moment. She forced the memory to fade from her mind, bringing herself fully into the present.

"I'm fine," she said, a fake smile plastered on her face. "Sorry. I just had a weird moment and was lost in thought. It's ok though, you don't need to worry."

All three of them saw through it. Emma was lying; it was clear as day. She was pale and clammy, and she was still trembling. She had clearly been immersed in thinking about something, and that something was no doubt awful.

"I'll clean this up," murmured Regina, hastily fetching a dustpan and brush to clean up the china.

Once all evidence of the moment was removed, the four remained in uneasy silence while they made breakfast. Regina kept shooting anxious glances at Emma, who remained in a dazed state for much of the meal. She didn't even notice what she was doing or what she was eating. It was as if she was on autopilot. Thankfully Henry wasn't awake yet to witness it. It was an unnerving sight to behold.

Once they had eaten and Regina had gone to wake up Henry, Snow and David broached the subject of that day's activities.

"Emma, sweetie. We were thinking of taking a picnic to the woods today. We would love it if you would come with us."

Emma nodded absentmindedly, feeling the need to escape the house for a while. It suddenly made her feel claustrophobic, and she needed to breathe some fresh air. She didn't really notice what Snow and David were doing until a giant picnic hamper was plopped down on the island in front of her, full of food. She raised an eyebrow.

"That's a lot of food. Are you sure we can eat all of that?"

Henry came bounding into the room at that moment, his eyes shining with delight as he looked at the hamper.

"Of course, Ma! Besides, I'm starving already."

Emma chuckled and ruffled his hair. He certainly got his appetite from her.

Once they were all changed and ready they set off. They'd decided to walk there to enjoy the nice day, and to work up an appetite for lunch. Emma was carrying various blankets whilst David carried the heavy hamper. It was a leisurely walk, but the scenery was beautiful as always. The forest was large and lush, filled with the delightful smells and sounds of nature. They walked a fair way until they reached a clearing, where they put down all of their stuff.

Emma shut her eyes briefly and breathed deeply. She could feel the calming influence of the world around her. She smiled as she saw Henry running around, enjoying the open air. He looked so carefree that it warmed her heart. He was laughing and squealing as Regina attempted to tickle him, and they eventually collapsed in a laughing heap on top of the blankets.

Emma shook her head laughing at them and proceeded to join them in sitting down. David opened the hamper and they began their slightly early lunch. As they were chomping down on sandwiches, Henry regarded his grandparents curiously.

"Grandma? You haven't mentioned baby names all morning. I mean it's all you've been able to talk about for the last few days. Have you chosen a name then?" He looked hopeful, missing the warning look being sent to him by his brunette mother. The Charmings had actually shut up for a few hours on the subject, but it seemed like the peace wasn't going to last.

Snow smiled at her grandson. "Well, we actually have a shortlist now, so there's not much need to keep speculating, although we have to decide at some point."

"What are the names?" Henry asked excitedly.

"For a girl, it's between Rose, Lily and Eva. Although I think we're pretty set on Eva if it's a girl."

"Just like your mom?"

Snow beamed at Henry. "Yes, my mother's name was Eva. She inspired me in so many ways, and I would love to honour her memory that way."

"And if it's a boy?"

"We're thinking either George, Connor or Mark."

Emma suddenly choked on the water she was drinking at the mention of that name. The others looked at her in alarm before Regina clapped her on the back. Emma breathed in deeply once her airway was clear, and held a hand to her racing heart. A hot wave of fear shot through her. She couldn't let her parents call the baby Mark, but if she said that out loud then they would want an explanation. And she didn't think she could give it. It was too painful and too humiliating.

"Emma? Are you alright?" David looked on worriedly as Emma gasped for breath.

She nodded, forcing a smile. "Of course. Sorry, it just went down the wrong way," she said, gesturing to the water. This seemed to satisfy the others and they let it go, talking a bit more about the baby. Emma wasn't listening. Her thoughts were running a mile a minute. She didn't know what to do. She felt alone with the haunting memories of her past, but she couldn't let herself show her pain or she'd be vulnerable and exposed. And they would have the power to break her, yet again. Emma dug her nails into the palm of her hand, trying to quell her panic. Fortunately no one else seemed to notice her inner turmoil.

Soon they all lay back on the blankets, enjoying the sun as it filtered through the trees. The atmosphere was relaxing, and the soft chirps of the birds were soothing. Emma felt her eyes closing and tried to fight against it, but her exhausted body won out and she slipped into the realm of unwelcome dreams once again.

* * *

_Mark's furious face was in front of Emma's, his teeth bared and an animalistic look in his eyes._

"_You brat," he hissed. "You are making me look bad! How dare you! You will pay for this!"_

_He shoved Emma into the small room at the end of the corridor on the top floor. It was known as 'the dungeon' to all the children who ever lived in that house. It was cold and dark. It was a prison of sorts. A place where the screams of innocents were shut out by the captor. _

_Emma was visibly shaking with fear. As Mark undid his belt and readied it for his own special brand of punishment, she started to beg._

"_No please! I'll be good, I promise. Please don't hurt me! I didn't mean to!"_

_Mark merely snarled at her. "You. You had the fucking audacity to faint due to malnourishment? I had to say you'd been ill recently and weren't eating. I had to play a concerned parent. Do you realise how this looks? You fucking selfish brat. How dare you try and make me look bad. You will not get any food for a week, and if you dare to try and faint again, then I will beat you so badly you won't be able to walk. Do you understand me?"_

_He brought his face down within inches of Emma's, breathing heavily. The stench of alcohol was clear on his breath, but he wasn't very drunk. He knew full well what he was doing._

_Emma nodded and managed a weak "Yes sir." _

_Mark spat in her face and then stood up, flexing the belt. He'd added studs to the buckle, telling people that it looked manly but really he used it as extra ammunition when beating the children he 'cared' for. _

"_Turn around," he hissed. _

_Emma knelt down shakily and turned with her back facing him._

"_Take off your shirt." _

_Emma sobbed as she lifted her shirt off over her head. It fell to the ground and she braced herself for the oncoming blows. _

_She heard herself scream before she felt the pain._

_Blinding. Burning. Hot. Agony._

_Time and time again he lashed into her. The belt clawed at her skin, cutting it open with ferocity. Blood flowed freely from the wounds. The scars would take months to fully disappear. She wouldn't be moving without agony for at least a week. Remnants of some of the scars would never fade. They would be small and easily missed, but they would be there. An everyday reminder of the horrors inflicted on a young innocent helpless girl by a brute that abused his power. _

_After what felt like hours, he stopped. Emma was a shaking bloody mess on the floor. Mark simply got out a cloth and wiped his bloody belt buckle before threading it back through his jeans. _

_He scoffed._

"_You can stay in here tonight, princess. And if you so much as yawn in front of anybody again, I will do much worse to you. Do you understand?"_

_A muffled sob was all he got in response, but he seemed to accept it. He observed her for a moment. It was the first time she'd been in the 'dungeon', even after living there for two months. She was always resilient, but he figured he would knock it out of her soon enough._

"_Oh Emma. Didn't anyone ever tell you that you will never be loved, and you will never find a real family? I don't know why you still hope. You have nothing. No one will ever want you. You will never be enough for anyone."_

_He cackled evilly before turning and exiting the room. As he was shutting the door, he took one last glance at Emma's bloody back._

"_Welcome to hell, princess."_


	10. Chapter 10

**I am so so sorry for taking so long to update! My dad was in hospital for a while which was super stressful and then I came back to uni, so it's all been a bit hectic. I've got myself together now and will make sure to update more frequently! Thanks for being patient :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own OUAT or any of its characters.**

Chapter 10

Emma awoke with a start, shaking. Her nightmares had got much worse over the past few days. Dredging up old memories never did her sleeping any good.

Thankfully and miraculously, Snow and David seemed to have got the hint about the name Mark. Goodness knows why it took them and Regina so long to figure out, but something seemed to have clicked. It was no longer included in their list, and they didn't pry.

Emma sighed, running her hands through her hair. Perhaps it was better that they didn't ask. She didn't want their pity, and she knew they would all blame themselves for what had happened to her in her life. Even though Emma still blamed them for some things, it wouldn't do to have an emotional Snow about the house.

Looking over at the clock, Emma acknowledged the time with a groan. 2am. She shouldn't have been awake, but the blasted nightmares wouldn't leave her alone.

She got up and stretched, not feeling at all rested, and decided to go downstairs. After the nightmares there was no way she was going back to sleep, and having a drink always seemed to comfort Emma when she was down.

The house was eerily quiet as Emma walked through the corridor. Usually she could hear David or Henry snoring, but it seemed as though they had both managed to be quiet tonight. The silence was promptly broken however by Emma's cursing as she stubbed her toe on the bannister at the top of the stairs. She rubbed it, wincing at the pain.

After waiting a while to check she hadn't woken anybody, Emma stealthily made her way downstairs, careful not to trip on anything or injure anything else. She made it to the kitchen safely and relaxed as she poured herself a glass of water.

As the liquid ran down her throat, Emma sighed in relief feeling calm wash over her. She was awake, she was in Storybrooke, and she was fine. Well, physically speaking.

The moon shone through the kitchen window, illuminating the smooth granite of the island in the middle. Emma traced its outline absentmindedly, her eyes glazing over.

She didn't hear the quiet padding of footsteps on the stairs, or the small intake of breath from the person behind her.

What brought her out of her reverie was the softly spoken "Emma?" that seemed deafening in the silent kitchen.

Emma spun round in shock, thankful that she had put her glass down or she would have dropped it. Regina stood in the doorway with a hesitant expression. She looked remarkably awake for two in the morning, but still wary as she eyed Emma with apprehension.

Emma regained her senses and swallowed nervously. Remembering there were others in the house, she also spoke softly.

"Regina. What are you doing up?"

"I might ask you the same question," replied Regina with an amused smile. At Emma's sheepish expression she chuckled. "I didn't get to sleep at all tonight actually, there was too much on my mind. I heard a noise outside my bedroom and figured you had gone downstairs, so I came to talk to you. I hope you don't mind," she added hastily, picking at the sleeve of her robe with obvious and uncharacteristic nervousness.

Emma shook her head. "No that's fine. Although I apologise for the noise…" she blushed slightly as she remembered the choice words she had employed at the top of the stairs.

Regina inclined her head with a smile. "An what, pray tell, are you doing up at this hour Emma?"

Emma gulped nervously. Running a hand through her hair, she exhaled slightly shakily, then shrugged.

"I couldn't sleep either. I guess I had a lot on my mind too. It's been a crazy few weeks, y'know?"

Regina nodded but her eyes narrowed, suggesting she knew exactly what Emma was hiding. She didn't ask however, and walked around to the freezer where she pulled out a tub of ice cream. She retrieved two spoons and handed one to a very shocked Emma.

At Emma's questioning expression, Regina rolled her eyes. "It's low fat," she said by way of explanation. "Are you going to eat it or just stare at it?"

Emma shot a glare her way but reluctantly moved forward. She tasted a spoonful with a doubtful expression on her face, but gave in immediately when she tasted it.

"For low fat," Emma said between mouthfuls, "this is very good."

Regina's only acknowledgement was a smirk.

* * *

After they had devoured most of the tub of ice cream Regina put it away with a wistful expression, and Emma had to hide a smile behind her hand. Regina normally didn't indulge in things like ice cream, but sometimes she 'went wild' in her own way and had half a tub.

They stood in silence for a few minutes, but the atmosphere quickly transitioned from calm to tense. Emma had feared the talk she would need to have with Regina about their relationship, and unfortunately it seemed like now was the time.

As if reading Emma's mind, Regina sighed. "Now is a good a time as any. But we can put it off, if you really want." She fidgeted nervously, waiting for a response. Emma mimicked her stance, wishing she were anywhere else but there at the moment.

"N-no, it's fine. It has to happen sooner or later, I guess."

Regina relaxed at this. "Well, how about we go somewhere more private? I wouldn't want anyone to overhear our conversation during potential night-time wanderings."

Emma nodded and Regina started leaving the room, motioning for her to follow. They went upstairs and Emma raised an eyebrow in surprise when they entered her own room. Regina shut the door and murmured a few spells so that they couldn't be overheard.

"I thought you might be more comfortable in here," she said hesitantly. "We can go somewhere else if you want."

Emma shook her head and sat on the bed with her legs crossed. "Here is fine."

Regina pulled up a chair and sat opposite Emma, not meeting her eyes. Her hands were shaking slightly as she ran them through her hair. Taking a deep breath, she began speaking.

"Emma. I don't really know where to start. I know it's too late and it might not mean anything to you, but I-I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I know that a lot of this is my fault. I hurt you terribly, and I ignored you and demeaned you. I can never make up for what I did."

She looked into Emma's eyes, and finding nothing to make her stop, she continued.

"I remember the day this all started. How could I not? I broke your heart. But I also broke mine. You said I was lying to you when I said I didn't love you. And I was. I was lying to you and myself that day, and many days after that. I lied to protect myself. I thought that if I opened myself up to love again it would get taken from me, like it always has. But the day you nearly…well. It made me see things more clearly."

Regina wiped a few tears from her cheeks, inhaling deeply as if to give herself courage.

"I realised that I love you. I love you so much, Emma. And I have for a long time. My heart has probably been yours since the day I first laid eyes on you. And I wish I could say that I would never hurt you, but I already have. I trampled on your heart and destroyed mine. I lashed out because I was scared. And I know that's no excuse, but I was, because saying that makes it real, like it's forever."

She leaned forward and gently grasped one of Emma's hands in her own.

"But even though I'm scared, I realised that I want that. I want forever with you, Emma. I want to love and cherish you for the rest of our lives, if you'll let me. I won't let fear get in the way of your or my happiness ever again. And I will spend every day of the rest of my life trying to make it up to you and show you how beautiful you are. I freely give you my heart, Emma. You do not have to give me yours, but if you do, I will make sure it is treasured like it should be. I love you, Emma."

Emma could only blink in shock. That was quite a speech, and she had no idea how to respond. She hadn't been expecting that at all. She opened her mouth and closed it several times, trying to get words out, but nothing came. Regina sensed her astonishment and gave a small, sad smile.

"I'm going to go and let you process all this, as I'm sure it was a lot to take in. Perhaps in a few days you will tell me your thoughts. For now, goodnight."

Regina stood up then hesitantly yet lovingly caressed Emma's cheek. With tears falling from her eyes she whispered, "I love you" one more time before exiting the room, leaving it in silence.

Emma tried to shake herself out of her stupor, but she couldn't. What on earth had just happened?

* * *

The night hadn't really made things any clearer for Emma. She lay awake for hours trying to decipher Regina's words. They had seemed completely sincere. Regina loved her. She _loved_ her.

That brought a smile to Emma's face and made butterflies dance in her stomach. But it was always tempered with the harsh light of reality. Regina had hurt her badly. She had ripped out her heart and trodden on it. She had made Emma feel completely worthless.

But at the same time, Emma could tell Regina was sorry. She seemed to know exactly what she had done and wanted to make up for it. But the idea of a relationship again…that was too much at present. Emma felt she would need to gain Regina's trust first and foremost, if they were to get back together or even be just friends.

Looking over at the clock for about the hundredth time that day, Emma groaned again. It was now 8am. She'd have to be up soon and face Regina. Of course, she had a few days to mull things over, but it was impossible for things to not be awkward after their talk. And Snow would guess something was up. Then all hell would break loose.

Emma reluctantly got out of bed and changed her clothes. She hoped to persuade her parents to let her work today. David was still technically Sherriff, and after taking some time off to be with Emma he was now back at work. Being out of the godforsaken house they were currently in would be a welcome distraction from the turmoil of her mind. With a firm determination, she went downstairs in search of her parents.

On entering the kitchen she found Henry sulking, a clearly annoyed Regina, an amused David and a worried Snow. She looked at all of their faces, the time, and then raised an eyebrow.

"What on earth happened here?" she inquired, stepping around the tension in the room to make a coffee.

Regina looked at her son. "It's Monday, and the school holidays are over so Henry has to go back to school."

Henry lifted his head up and glared at Regina. "I don't want to go back! I want to look after Ma!"

Emma sighed. She walked over to Henry and brought him into a one armed hug. "Henry, I know you want to look after me, but I'll be ok. Your education is really important, you know that. You can't avoid school. And in fact, I've decided to go into the station today. I need to get a semblance of normal life back, and sitting here all day won't help me. So what do you say we both brave the world today, hmm?"

Henry thought this over for a minute, then smiled and nodded. "Ok, if you're sure. You'll be ok today?"

Emma ignored Snow and David's stares and nodded. "Yup, I sure will. I think it's time for me to try and become myself again."

She pulled Henry into a proper hug and then proceeded to make breakfast like nothing had happened. Snow and David wouldn't like it, but it was time. It was time to try and return to normal, even though normal would forever be changed.

* * *

David's truck pulled up outside the Sheriff's station. After a mini-argument with her parents, Emma had managed to convince them to let her go into work. It had been surprisingly easy.

As they entered the station, Emma dug her nails into her palms fiercely to control her emotions. It had not been a place for happy memories the past few months, and it had been many weeks since she had actually been in there. Trying to push these thoughts aside, Emma flopped into the seat by the spare desk. She drummed her fingers on the table top.

"So…what shall I do?"

David chuckled at the question, and drew out various papers and files from his desk. He strode over to where Emma was sitting and dropped them with a loud_ thunk _onto the table.

"I remember how much you like paperwork," he said, eyes glinting mischievously. "Enjoy."

Emma groaned. She absolutely loathed paperwork. It was so monotonous and pretty much pointless in a place like Storybrooke. _Well,_ she thought grimly. _I did ask for this._

The paperwork kept Emma occupied for the best part of three hours. It all concerned complaints and incidents from around the town. Mostly these were things like Pongo running away again or cats getting stuck in trees.

Just as Emma was about to take a well-deserved lunch break, the next file caught her eye. It had her name on it.

Checking that David was occupied with his own work, Emma cautiously opened the file. She was met with several pages of incidents that she was responsible for. There were some for damaging town property, being drunken and disorderly, and even harassing several residents.

Shame boiled up in Emma like lava. How could she have done these things? She had ben so caught up in her own misery and so completely drunk in the months before her attempted suicide that she hadn't really considered what she'd been doing to others, or how she'd been affecting the town.

Tears began to prick at her eyelids but she forced them away. She also forced herself to look through every single item in that file. She noted the incidents in her mind, determined to make things right for each one. She sighed, putting her head in her hands. Everything was a pretty fucked up mess right now.

She hid the file amongst the others then proceeded to take a break. She walked over to Granny's slowly, having decided to go alone. She needed to reintegrate herself into the world again, no matter how painful it was.

The stares around town had calmed down a lot now, but she still received a few gaping stares as she entered. Emma resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Some people in Storybrooke were infuriating.

When Ruby came to take her order, Emma realised that one of the places she had been disruptive and caused damage was in fact at Granny's. Her eyes widened and she gripped the table so hard her knuckles turned white. Everything was completely messed up. She had hurt people and caused destruction, but she had been and was hurting so much. No one really understood what she had been going through, and those who saw that kind of behaviour probably just wrote her off as just emotional or crazy. And that was so far from the truth.

She was broken and damaged. It was like she had been ripped from her true self. She felt like her mind was constantly cloudy, like the hazy fog of depression was invading her every thought. She had dealt with it the only way she could —destroying herself. And it hadn't worked at all. It had just exacerbated the problem to the degree that she didn't know how to start fixing it.

Her rage, her sadness, her behaviour were all a way of coping. They weren't a wrong way of doing things; they were hers. And no one could judge her for it. No one could tell her to act in a different manner or 'control' herself. No one truly understood, as no one had experienced exactly what she had. If Emma knew anything, it was that people dealt with depression differently. Every single person had a different response.

She hoped there was a way out this time that involved living her life.

Emma was suddenly aware of a hand waving in front of her face. Ruby was still standing there, looking concerned. Emma blinked and shook her head, realising that she had spaced out in the middle of Granny's. She forced a smile.

"Sorry Rubes, I guess I just got caught up in my thoughts. The usual, please."

Ruby didn't look convinced but nodded and walked away anyway. Emma relaxed into the booth chair, her mind on what she'd read earlier.

David obviously didn't know what was in the pile of files he had given her. She didn't doubt that if he had, he would have removed it. She decided to slip it back into his own pile when he wasn't there. It wouldn't do to have him worrying about it.

The door chimed open and to Emma's surprise, Regina walked in. She spotted Emma immediately, and hesitantly walked up to the booth, trying to gauge whether or not she was welcome.

Emma indicated the space opposite her. Regina smiled and gracefully sat down, ordering her usual salad.

"So, you went back to work today too?" Emma asked, picking at her sleeve.

Regina chuckled. "I haven't been completely absent from work recently. I've been going in almost everyday and doing other business by phone, as well as completing paperwork. But I suppose in a full-time sense, then yes I have."

Emma smiled a small smile and began to eat her food that Ruby had just delivered. The silence was quite tense but Regina broke it after a few moments, clearly feeling as uncomfortable as Emma.

"How is your first day going?" she asked lightly, although Emma could tell she was really curious.

Emma shrugged. "It's ok. David's got me doing loads of paperwork. I forgot how much I hated it, to be honest."

Regina laughed but then sobered as a flash of sadness crossed Emma's eyes. Emma couldn't stop thinking of the files. She knew she needed to try and forget it. The incidents were in the past, after all. But a voice in her head kept reminding her of what she had done.

This inner conflict was remarkably well hidden behind Emma's usual emotional mask, but Regina knew her better than anyone and could tell something was up.

"Are you alright, Emma? You seem distracted."

Emma sighed. She knew Regina could tell she wasn't ok, and she knew Regina would be able to detect a lie. That was the downside of knowing somebody so well; they could read you like an open book.

"Well, there is something." Emma pushed her plate away and wrung her hands together nervously.

"One of the files David asked me to look through was…mine."

Regina raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean it was 'yours'?"

"It contained all of the…infractions I've committed in Storybrooke in the past few months. What I've damaged, how I've behaved, everything. It shook me a little, I guess."

Shock flitted across Regina's face for a moment before it was hidden behind polite curiosity.

"What was it exactly that shook you Emma?" she asked gently. She made a move to place her hand atop Emma's but at the last minute seemed to change her mind and awkwardly ran a hand through her hair instead.

Emma leaned back against the booth, shoulders slumped. "I'm just really confused, I guess. I feel guilty about everything that happened, but at the same time angry that I'm being blamed for something that was out of my control. I can't control my mind, especially in a situation like this. But the fact that it actually did some damage…I can't deal with this. I don't know how to fix my life."

Regina's eyes filled with tears. "Oh Emma," she said, actually grasping her hand this time. "Nobody blames you for that. Others might not understand, but I assure you that_ I'm_ trying to. I don't know how to fix things either, but I know that I want to. And I think you do too."

Emma smiled weakly. Regina's eyes were shining with love and concern. For this brief moment in time her mask was completely gone, leaving only her sincere feelings completely open to Emma.

Emma looked at Regina in awe. She was showing so much adoration and love for _her_, for Emma, that she couldn't believe it. In that moment she knew Regina had been telling the truth when she'd said she loved her. There was no denying it anymore.

Emma felt butterflies go wild in her stomach. _Oh dear_, she thought. _What have I got myself into? _


End file.
